Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Janice Dickinson And Tastefully Nude Men

In season three, episode three of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Janice continues to attract every mens underwear company in the world as clients. This episode it's Go Softwear. Of course the companies know that they are getting huge television publicity by contracting during the show's taping and they know a lot of guys in their target market are watching. I'm not complaining. It's only an hour of arousal and they say you only need to worry about seeking immediate medical attention when your pup tent lasts for four hours or more. Note to self: don't watch any all day JDMA marathons.

At the start of the episode, Brian Kehoe is sitting with some of the models in the agency's waiting room. Kehoe decides to take a stab at playing gay matchmaker by extolling the virtues of J.P. Calderon to Rodrigo de Carli. In Kehoesque fashion he says to Rodrigo, "You'd probably cheat on your boyfriend with J.P. I bet you would." I think Kehoe needs some more practice if he should ever want to be a spokesmodel trying to push a product (or in this case a person).

Brian KehoeRodrigo doesn't get a chance to respond because at that moment, Grasie interrupts with a question to Kehoe about his relationship with roommate Grant Whitney Harvey. She asks, "Are you guys just friends?" Grant adamantly spouts "Yeah!", while Kehoe takes awhile to relish the question. It's an interesting thing about Kehoe. He's one of those special straight men that are gay wannabes. It's like he likes the culture but unfortunately he's trapped in a straight man's orientation. He replies to Grasie, "I would want the whole world to know if I was gay! I wouldn't hide it!" as he pictured himself wearing a studded leather jockstrap while riding on the biggest and most flamboyant float in the gay pride parade. It seems like there should be some sort of way to make Kehoe an honorary member of the team if he hasn't earned that distinction already.

The Go Softwear people visit the agency and tell Janice they are looking for 2 or 3 guys for their spring campaign. So, Janice brings out her first string tight ends for the Go team to size up. While fawning over the boys, the creative director asks Sorin Mihalache to take his shirt off and Janice says, "I'm glad someone else is telling these guys to take their shirts off." Uh, is this not counting all the viewers shouting this command at the TV every episode? There are plenty of web sites that allow this kind of interaction and it would be nice to have it with JDMA: "Now Kehoe, slowly lift one leg while biting down on the riding crop..."

Payton BradyThe Go mo's decided to select 6 of the guys to go to a photo shoot at a house in Bel Air. At the location the first photo set was done on a stairway with light pouring down from an upper window. Model Payton Brady said he liked the shot because the light definitely showed his cuts. This is true, but a later scene with him lying on a bed with his legs spread wide open really showed his package cuts. Brian Bernie did a similar stairway pose as the photographer yelled, "Money!" Disappointingly, there was no actual money shot in the scene.

When it came time to do Kehoe, the photographer noticed some darkness under Kehoe's eyes. He asked Kehoe if he had been partying the night before. Kehoe honestly replied that he had been in bed reading, but he didn't mention that what he had been reading was the labels on two bottle of wine that he finished off. The proof of Kehoe's transgression was on his breath and he was told to take a rest.

Brian KehoeJanice arrives at the house and you know it is about to get really good. She's told the tale about Kehoe and she goes to him and gets him out of bed. She smells his breath and without even reading him his Miranda rights delivers immediate punishment with a slap across the face. She sends him away with a threat of additional discipline, this time from her putting her fist up his ass. She immediately reconsiders by speculating that he would probably like it. I never thought of Kehoe as a handball player, but I suppose Janice knows him better.

Kehoe goes outside and complains to Chris Jones about Janice. Earlier in the episode, Kehoe had been insistent that Janice should be trusted without question when she tells the models to get naked. Now that her direction is not to drink before work, he finds her guidance not so worthwhile. Chris tells Kehoe he has his back but only uses the opportunity to squirt on the front of Kehoe's underwear. The water sports fun between Chris and Kehoe gets them both temporarily banned as Janice contemplates a career change to get away from models' bad boy behavior. In the end all is forgiven and Chris and Kehoe get back in the picture.

Brian BernieThe show itself ends with Janice's obsession with nudity. She arranges for some of her models to be be nude models for an art class of senior citizens.

The first model is Brian Bernie. He looks a little disoriented at first when he discovers what he is being asked to do, but he performs as a pro. He disrobes and jangles his dangles for a moment but the area is airbrushed from the video. The only way we get to see the fuzz behind the fuzz is through the display of the students' interpretation of it. Unfortunately, the students' renderings consist only of odd stick figures with oversized genitalia that are reminiscent of drawings on mens room walls. On the other hand, maybe the cajones were drawn to scale. If so, wow.

Kehoe was next and the art instructor told him to disrobe. She must not have known anything about him. With Kehoe, the default behavior in a room full of people is to get naked. You only have to say something to him when you don't want him to disrobe. Kehoe said he felt comfortable being there because he thought that older people wouldn't be looking at him in a sexual way. I'm wondering if I could get a fake id that added a couple of decades onto to my age and then use it to get into his dressing room. "It's okay. Strip, bitch. I'm old."

Danny NunezLast was the beautiful Danny Nunez. He's always quietly agreeable to almost anything. Maybe it was just the video technician's shaky hands but the obscuring patch over Danny's jewels seemed to be the most bouncing (and covered the most area) compared to the other models. I'm not very good at drawing but with Danny as an art subject I was inspired to use my hand to capture my own impression of what I felt from viewing him. Here's my drawing:

Christian Prelle, Shaun McCarron, Paul Anderson, and Peter Yonan also exposed themselves in this episode.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

VJ Logan Out Of Sight

There appears to be some controversy concerning the recent victory by VJ Logan in VH1's reality competition show America's Most Smartest Model. VJ's win of the title has sparked a nasty backlash against him (and the judges, and the network, and the sponsor) on the VH1 message boards. While many of the messages can be immediately discounted since they are from women who state that they hope the allegations about Andre Birleanu abusing women are true and that they wish he would abuse them also, other messages continue to harp about the fictional story line created by the show's editors that suggested that VJ had somehow cheated on his way to the win.

It's hard to know how representative the writers on the message boards are of the public at large, but I think that VJ should not be sitting back letting it happen without sufficient rebuttals to tell his side of the story. He did make an attempt in his post victory blog post on VH1.com, but even as a non-expert about public relations, I can tell you his words weren't enough for mollifying the angry villagers storming the VH1/VO5 castle. At this time, I am not aware of the existence of any other public communication that he has made that occurred after the airing of the show's finale.

Speaking of VO5, I looked for it at the local Publix store where I am vacationing because I wanted to get a shampoo that was safe for color treated hair. I didn't know if the brand offered that or not, but I thought I would take a look to show my support for the AMSM sponsorship. It was at the farthest point on the aisle because the products were arranged by price and at 99 cents, VO5 was the lowest. Well, they didn't have anything that said color safe, and I wasn't going to risk hurting my beautiful and expensive ash blonde with highlights on some 99 cent hair stripper, so I moved on. If a supporter like me won't touch the stuff, I wonder if VO5 will ever recoup their $100,000 prize and other promotional costs.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Brett Novek Interview

One of the hottest stars in L.A., Brett Novek, shares some exclusive remarks with me and TV Trick's readers. Brett has recently been seen on TV on VH1's hit reality show America's Most Smartest Model. Since the show's taping, Brett has been in high demand and his star power has only been getting bigger. This sexy but golden-hearted young man can do it all. He models, he acts, he dances and he even sings (but only on request). The word is out that if you want your clothing line noticed, you need to dress Brett in it. Not only do people pay attention to the ads he is in, they demand to see them. When Brett pitches a product, whether you need it or not, you want it.

I have been watching AMSM faithfully (and writing comments here) and like most of the viewers, have had a soft spot in my heart for the ever so watchable Mr. Novek. Unfortunately, his last appearance on the show was in episode nine and that was too soon to satisfy the viewers' desire to get to know more about their favorite star of the show. To help his fans learn a little more about this dark haired prince and to soften the blow of no longer seeing him on the small screen (for now), I am providing some comments that Brett has made to me about himself and AMSM.

Brett NovekThank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to share here on my blog some of your thoughts about AMSM and about yourself.

During the run of the show, I have referred to you as personable, nice, a gentle spirit, huggable, ethical, trustworthy, convivial, modest, restrained, take-him-home-to-meet-mother type, loyal, virtuous, loving, and charismatic. I won't ask you to confirm that I was right about these traits because I know you are a modest person. I will ask, to what do you attribute your having these good qualities, and how does a good boy like you do such an incredibly "sin"-sational job of modeling underwear?

I owe everything to my parents. They are the greatest people in the world. I know people say that often about their own parents, but if you met mine you would agree with me (hahaha). They always put me first and pointed me in the right direction. Thanks David and Robin. My brother Craig is the man too (haha). Can't forget you buddy. As far as the underwear. Have to give 60% of the credit to my parents. They say your body is 60% genetics. So the 40% I guess I do eat right and work out pretty hard.

Brett Novek
I hated doing it, but I gave you somewhat of a hard time in my comments about episode eight. In that episode, the alliance of you, Pickel, Andre, and Rachel discussed getting rid of VJ. For me, that was one of those reality show moments where you want to reach through the screen, shake your favorite player, and yell "What the heck are you doing?" At the time it didn't seem very Brett-like to gang up on someone else. I have since reconciled in my mind that your motivation was that you were trying to make things right by removing from the game what you believed was improper behavior by VJ. Am I right about that, and if so, why did you also join in on making fun of Angela's runway experience?

The alliance was more about us all being really good friends. I thought out of the 6 of us left in the house, the alliance that consisted of Andre, Pickel, Aussie and myself just represented real people. Here to compete, of course, but still hanging by one another. It was cool, the relationship us 4 had.

Brett Novek
Tell me something like a song, or a movie, or an event that has made you teary-eyed.

Cinderella Man, Lion King, The Notebook. All tear-jerkers for me (haha).

Did you have a pet that you named? What was it and what was the name?

I had a pet all right. Her name was Molly. She was a yellow lab. Crazy dog. My roommates and I bought her in college. What a cutie. I miss her. We gave her to an owner that could take better care of her since we were so busy with school. Miss ya Molly.

Do you have any phobias or fears?

No phobias. I would never go sky diving though. Not for all the money in the world.

Brett Novek

eventful.com fan demand

Sunday, December 16, 2007


As expected, VJ Logan was proclaimed "America's Most Smartest Model" in the finale of the show, beating Andre Birleanu. VH1 had described the show as a search for "the perfect combination of Beauty and Brains". Van Jameson did well enough in the modeling challenges to put him safely in the top tier of the best models, but it was on the brains side that he really excelled. He may not have had the intelligence or book smarts of a Daniel Schuman, but his application of his innate cleverness blew out the competition and left them amazed and sore (as in a kind of loser).

During the taping of the series, VJ faced wild accusations of cheating that never could be connected with any rules being broke or even bent. There were basically two things that instigated the denunciations. One is that most of the contestants had no idea what they were getting into when they signed up for the show. So, when they moved into the model house they just settled into making friends and enjoying a vacation. They weren't there for a competition and they were actually incredulous during the first episode that VJ would study while the rest of them were lounging around. When VJ started to win, some of the other models chose to explain their losing with accusations of VJ cheating rather than bother to step up their own game.

The second thing that fueled the baseless claims of cheating was the strategy of Andre. He wisely recognized that he could use these claims as a wedge to turn the other models against VJ, who Andre recognized besides himself was the other Alpha male in the house. It was a great strategy for Andre. He had gotten in fights with basically everyone else and he should have been the most hated person in the house, but instead he was able to make them forget about his own abusive behavior and focus on the mythical cheating. In doing this, the brilliance of the scheme really showed itself. He was able to make three of the final six totally take their eyes off the prize of winning the show themselves and work towards getting rid of Andre's main competition. Andre couldn't lose with this approach. Either VJ would be knocked out or the three members of his alliance would be so confused they would be kicked out before him. Too bad for Andre, but it was the only smart thing he did.

The start of the finale show reminded the viewers that the final two models, Andre and VJ, were tasked with putting together a five minute presentation explaining why they were "America's Most Smartest Model". VJ was in his element with spokesmodeling while Andre realized that he didn't stand a chance. Andre remembered that he had received an Edge of a Sony Ericsson Z750 phone and got the idea of calling Jeff Pickel and asking him to do the presentation for him. Pickel listened to Andre's plea and agreed to do it.

Pickel explained in a post interview clip how during the show he had come to an understanding with Andre to look past Andre's horrible behavior. Unfortunately, Pickel gave no explanation why he didn't try to make friends with VJ also during the show. The only clues have been comments that Pickel has made about Andre having more experience and therefore by definition being a better model.

One of the odd things I have learned about models while watching AMSM has been that they are really snobby about experience level. In most professions, the number of years of experience may be one of several indicators of how good someone is at their job, but in modeling it seems to be regarded as absolutely equivalent. Pickel seemed to have felt that having a young model of only five months outshine more experienced models was a threat to the foundation of the industry and was intent to see VJ put down. It's an unfortunate flaw of Pickel to put this belief ahead of helping the better player win the game.

Both Pickel and VJ did a good job presenting. Andre cut off Pickel before the end of "his" presentation and took over. It wasn't a very smart move because he really screwed up his message. After the presentations Andre and VJ were brought back to speak directly to the judges. VJ made use of the opportunity to continue to press his claim, while Andre wasted his time pursuing the cheating argument. Andre seemed not to understand that the judges knew exactly what the rules were and so would not give any credence to that tiresome attack.

Later Andre and VJ appeared before Mary Alice Stephenson and Ben Stein to listen to their final critiques. Andre was acknowledged as being the "best" model, but as the best combination of the brains and beauty, VJ was anointed as the one and only winner.

At the end of the show, VJ declared that he is so thankful for everyone that believes in him. Well, I've believed him for eleven weeks. I challenge him never to stop trying to be the best and to live up to the appellation of VJ, All-American Boy. One more thing: VJ, try not to talk with so many words that get bleeped out. And don't be afraid to let down the tough guy image sometimes to let the love shine through.

Other thoughts:

  • When Brett Novek spoke of VJ cheating, I'm absolutely certain that Brett believed that. There's not a dishonest cell in Brett's body. I think his good nature interpreted what would otherwise be considered mild reality show tactics by VJ as cheating. That makes it hard for me to write about VJ because as anyone could plainly see throughout the show, Brett is definitely my favorite. I like to see the nicest guy finish first. I like to think I'm a nice guy too. However, I have to judge VJ in light of the whole reality competition show genre, and in comparison with contestants on shows like Survivor and Big Brother, VJ is practically a virgin.
  • While I hope that VJ enjoys success in the profession of his choice, I think he would do really well in the corporate world, assuming he could overcome his anger problem and bleeped speech. If he had been a contestant on The Apprentice, I think he would have done well there also.
  • For anyone that has a problem with Mary Alice Stephenson, I say go achieve even 1% of her resume in your lifetime and then you might begin to have some credibility to criticize her. She has borne the brunt of being in a terrible situation. One thing is that like all reality show cast members, she is edited to create whatever story the story editor wants to make. Another thing is that the structure of the judging focused all the dislike of any of the outcomes on her. It may be better in the future to have a three or more member panel to spread the criticism around. A third thing is that she had to throw out two hugely popular models: Pickel and Brett. So many people loved the comical Pickel and angelic Brett so much that their departure trigged a lot of vitriol aimed at Mary Alice. The ironic thing is that that type of vicious hostility is so contrary to Pickel and Brett's nature that it is hard to see how one could be a supporter of them and yet speak so harshly of MA.
  • VJ is no angel. He's far from it. I wish that he could become friends with someone like Brett who could show him that there's also benefits from being nice to people and getting along with them. I think it would help VJ's long-term happiness.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Janice Dickinson Beefs Up

In season three, episode two of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Janice explains that an agent is always looking for the next best thing and so frequently needs to do open calls. Fortunately for the viewers of the show, any search for the best thing requires the male models to strip down to their God-given samples and show all to Janice, her entire crew, and most importantly her TV pixelator. While pixelation is intended to hide any evidence of the naughty bits, there is no standard size for the affected area and that can lead to some viewer inference. The technician usually selects only the minimum area needed. For some models this means a tiny square over the bullseye, while other models end up with a fuzzy image half way down to their knees.

In this episode's open call, Janice meets Grant Whitney Harvey, Brian Kehoe's bunkmate. Grant has come in with all the other hopefuls and doesn't mention the Kehoe connection until Janice figures it out. Upon hearing him say that he and Kehoe share a bunk, Janice asks him if he is gay and he denies it. Note to Janice: gay men don't sleep in bunks (other than in military porn where appendages are allowed to dangle down through the support links of the top bed).

Brian KehoeIn the discussion with Grant, Janice takes the opportunity to mention to the camera that Brian Kehoe is "a little bit of a butt." From my perspective, Kehoe has a good amount of butt, and I like it just fine that way.

For the callback, Janice's make-up artist Gabe seriously tries to tell the females how poorly their personal wardrobe choices are (doing some sort of bizarro imitation of Janice), but it sounds like a Yorkie pretending to be a German Shepherd. The girls get kudos from me for keeping a straight face and not hitting him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. He needs to use a body cover stick on himself and disappear from sight.

When reexamining Grant, Janice asks her crew, "What is wrong with this human being? Is it the hair?" While I am not a professional I think I could help her with that one. Yes, definitely the hair, but since he is Brian's friend I won't mention the other issues at this time.

Brian KehoeJanice asks Grant if he would consider cutting his hair and he replies that his other agent wants him to grow it long. Janice is unhappy to hear that she has been wasting her time with someone that already has representation. She calls the other agency, supposedly to check if it is okay to use Grant, but clearly her real reason is to get him in trouble. Lord love her. She kicks him out and the other agency calls and drops him on his way home. Grant realizes his plan has gone down the toilet like a model's undigested dinner and he laments his situation to the always cooking or eating Kehoe. They agree to go back to see Janice and Kehoe grudgingly allows Grant to have one of his three over easy eggs.

Strangely, Janice agree to take Grant but only after telling him he looks like Boy George meets Victoria Beckham. Perhaps Janice's motivation for bringing him aboard is that she needs a new scratching pole.

J.P. Calderon Brian KehoeJanice has a bunch of casting calls so she brings in all of her new models and returning ones (like J.P Calderon), who have a chance to meet each other for the first time. They all instinctively recreate a scene from a school lunchroom with the cool kids together and the lower forms of life off to the side.

Happily, we finally got to see Shaun McCarron, Paul Anderson, Payton Brady, Brian Bernie, Joe Monbleau, and Peter Yonan. The problem now is that Janice's stud stable is so large, the guys don't get enough air time. It doesn't help that the show includes a bunch of female models getting the camera's attention also. It would be better if the show took the scenes with the girls and just made podcasts from them and let the television show focus on those sans underwear searches for the next best thing.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Last Picture Show

Episode 10 of America's Most Smartest Model began, as the show usually does, with scenes from the previous episode and with that I was forced to think about the fact that Brett Novek, the endearing and entrancing breakout star of the show, would no longer be on it. I had been working through the symptoms of Brett withdrawal for a week already, so I was miffed at VH1 for that lack of sensitivity. They also played the line where Brett says, "Let the nice guy finish first, please." Well, at least I can feel good knowing that from a review of viewers' comments from across the web, in their hearts he did.

As the new scenes started, Andre is shown strutting through the house in his jackboots as the Anthem of the Russian Federation played in the background. (The tune always makes me think of Pet Shop Boys' "Go West".) He looked at the wall of models' photo and remarked that he couldn't believe he had taken down all of the x'd models "single-handedly". I believe this is good corroboration of what I have said before, which is that careful analysis will show (to anyone with an open mind) that Andre was more responsible for his alliance's departure than was VJ Logan. Andre confessed it - believe it.

He spoke to the pictures, giving parting comments. He couldn't remember who the orange woman was and I'm not surprised. Was she actually on the show? (I truthfully have no recollection of seeing her on it.) When he got to Angela's photo, he couldn't remember her name. For those of you wishing to expand your knowledge of trivia, the inability to remember the name of someone you know well can be caused by a condition known as nominal aphasia or dysnomia. I know this because I have this too. It can be very annoying to have to give a description of someone you know instead of their name to someone else because you brain can't locate the word.

Mary Alice StephensonOutside, Andre read the notice to Angela and VJ that they were all going on an overnight road trip to a mystery destination. The location was quickly apparent to the viewers when the mandatory shot of the Palm Springs wind turbines was displayed. The models arrived at another big house and found that they would be spending casual time that night with Mary Alice Stephenson. It is important to note that Andre admitted, as he was looking forward to the evening, that Mary Alice is a very caring person who is very attractive. That's something that should be obvious to even the most casual of viewers, but for those that needed the extra explanation, Andre provided it.

Angela, VJ, and Andre had drinks and dinner with Mary Alice, where they raced to the bottom in trying to convince MA which of them deserved the most sympathy for having a hard knock life. Mary Alice was polite in listening, but it seemed more like an audition for which deserved to be the subject of a telethon instead of being awarded the prestigious title of "Most Smartest Model". It got interesting again afterwards, when MA told the contestants that they would be doing a photo shoot the next day and then introduced them to five extra models who would be supporting them in the photos. Mary Alice left and all the models got better acquainted. VJ played the ladies man while Angela (surprise, surprise) started bragging on herself. She had to demonstrate to the extras that her runway walk was as good as she said, but her steps didn't look near as good as Kathy Griffin's imitation of Paris Hilton's walk (you know what I'm talking about).

VJ LoganThe next day the photoshoot prep started bright and early with the arrival of the crew. VJ came out for roll call dressed just in a towel. It's a good look for him. I'd like to see Fieldcrest do a runway show with VJ as the model. Unfortunately for him, when the shooting started he did a pastiche of Andre's grimaces, acting like a rock star. Oh, awful, nuff said. There are looks that VJ can do really well, and this wasn't one of them. His accompanying hair and makeup looked great (eyeliner on artisic men can be hot), but the poses were crap.

Andre on the other hand played to his strengths and did the limited set of characterizations that he knows he's good at. He's like an exceptional character actor who can make a good living playing only thugs. The question is whether it is better to be someone who can do a wide variety of roles well or someone who can play a niche role extraordinarily. For Andre on this day it was better to be the niche model and he won the competition handily. Angela, having played Rocker Posey, found out that she, and not her extras, was expendable and she was sent packing.

Andre and VJ returned to the main house, where they listened to Ben Stein read his cue cards, telling them that each of them as their final task would have to create and give a presentation on why they deserved to win. Van Jameson was uber confident about the challenge and Andre was not. While working with a professional on the creation of the presentation, Andre was at first worried but then he had the inspiration to call one or more unidentified people to help him. The episode ends with a "to be continued". Perhaps he gets a fellow AMSM model like Pickel to appear on his behalf?

VJ Logan

VJ ponders what sneakiness the snake Andre is planning.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Janice Dickinson and Latin Men

Season three, episode one of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency begins with a revelation about Janice herself. Janice is shown as the subject of a photoshoot and I all I can say is, wow! She looks amazing, not just physically, but also from her ability to portray so many classic images so beautifully. She isn't lying when she says that not one of her models can work it like she does it at a photoshoot. She really only needs a pack of male models and her. She could handle all the female assignments herself.

Janice's beauty was then followed by the inexplicably repetitive display of the frightening visage of Sean Ashby of Aussie Bum from season two. I have no idea why JDMA continues to show this terrible example of dental deformity, but if they do it again they should definitely precede it with a warning message that the following scene contains disturbing images. At least it reminds us that we should all boycott Aussie Bum. Janice supports us and we should show support for Janice.

If you recall the story from season two, after the A.B. debacle Jason Scarlatti (creative director of 2(x)ist) came to our heroine's aid (yay, Jason!). He hired two of Janice's male models, Dominic Figlio and J.P. Calderon for a 2(x)ist campaign. In the current episode Dominic and J.P go to the 2(x)ist New York offices to take more pictures. Jason notices that Dominic has a severely injured toe and insists that the photos would have to be cropped above the foot. This seems very strange. If Men's Fitness magazine can replace Andy Roddick's biceps with his thighs, surely Jason could use digital magic on Dominic's toe.

J.P. Calderon
Before I go on I have to say that I can't write about Dominic. He's so beyond the ultimate in underwear modeling that anything I could put here would be totally irrelevant in light of that one and only fact about him. J.P. on the other hand, will be fun to write about because we can see that there's no longer even a hint of facade about him. He seems so nice, and kind, and genuine. He also fills out designer briefs quite well. The difference between the two models is that Dominic should be put on a pedestal in the city square as a piece of art while J.P should be taken home and cuddled as a body pillow.

Danny NunezThe main focus of episode one is the introduction of a new client, VIP Latino magazine, and the search for Hispanic models by Janice to satisfy this client's needs. She conducts a open call to find models with the right (Hispanic) ancestry. Ignoring the fact that hiring someone based on ethnicity is patently offensive, the idea of seeing some hot Latin men strip down for a body review is certainly enticing. Unfortunately, during the open call sessions Janice managed to verbalize just about every Hispanic cultural stereotype possible. The only thing she left out was singing "I am the Frito Bandito" and "La Cucaracha".

We got our first look at Danny Nunez (at right), but it was just a look - no display of personality yet. He seems like a person with an alter-ego: gentle model by day, dirty sex machine at night. He's someone to keep an eye on, especially when we get to the nude shots. I hope this isn't incorrect to say, but I love Cubans. They're great for smoking.

We also got to see Christian Prelle. Nothing really to say about this yet, but the fact that we get to see this beauty naked requires that he be mentioned.

Finally, I'm not sure how I feel about Janice's human puppy, Sorin Mihalache. She makes him her bodyguard and comedy ensues. It's just that there is an air of being developmentally challenged about him, so I'm not sure if I am suppose to laugh or not.

Bring on Brian Kehoe!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Wheels in Motion (Part 2)

Continued from part 1.

In the first part of episode nine of America's Most Smartest Model, the disembodied and now annoying spirit of Jeff Pickel appeared during the action of the Edge Challenge. Spirit of Pickel (SoP) wasn't able to help his buck buddy Brett Novek with mechanical engineering advice or threats of corporal punishment , but as I started to write this post, I though it might be fun and/or useful to summon him to see what he might have to say to me. For clarity, I will italicize any conversations or comments from the imaginary SoP.

Me: O Mighty Pickel! [Spirit of Pickel appears]
SoP: Brett's my "buck buddy"? Bro, we're just friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some guys like swordfish and some guys like Australian anchovy. I like Australian anchovy. I'm just saying.
Me: I never thought otherwise, but back to episode nine...

VJ LoganAfter the models returned from their Edge Challenge, VJ Logan found a mysterious note addressed to them. The note stated that the models had to decide collectively which of them was not smart enough and not model enough to be given the premier title in the American modeling industry: "America's Most Smartest Model". The copperhead snake Rachel suggested that they all vote anonymously and Romanian snake Andre agreed. As expected, the majority alliance of Andre, Rachel, and Brett then voted against Van Jameson. According to the note, this selection meant that VJ would be on the chopping block after the next Callback Challenge unless he won it. Rachel said she felt that VJ was the one that deserved to be on the chopping block, forgetting (from possibly more ill effects of that hole in the ozone) that the previous week she was the one that got by after walking like she had a didgeridoo up her ass.

Me: I'm disappointed in Brett for not voting on merit.
SoP: VJ is only good enough to be on posters showing the way to the reptile exhibit. Brett and I are real models. I'm just saying.

VJ LoganThat night Andre and Rachel coiled up together and studied their Edge material for the Jaguar XKR. Clever VJ made use of the most glaring benefit available to all of the models: a phone in the house that is connected to the outside world. The producers of the show gave them all an unlimited phone-a-friend lifeline but for some reason only VJ had the minimum number of synaptic connections to think to use it. He called his best friend Jared and told him to look up info on the Jaguar on the internet so that he could use it to prepare for the next day's challenge. It should be noted that if this show continues in the future and the phone is still allowed, any person called for advice should be known as a "Jared", just like local helpers are all known as "Fern" on the Amazing Race.

[Spirit of Daniel Schuman appears.] SoD: My birthday is in six months!
Me: It's getting crowded here. Daniel, you go now.
SoD: Tell Spielberg that maybe, maybe, I'll invite him. [Daniel departs]
SoP: Next year's birthday trick is we're going to lock Daniel in the VIP room with a hundred ostriches. [gleefully] They're going have to peel him off the wall. I'm just saying.

Brett NovekThe next day the models traveled to Jaguar N.A. headquarters and got prepped to do a presentation for the XKR. They were told a lot more information about the car, but Brett found the study skills needed to graduate from the University of Central Florida were not necessarily sufficient to help him learn too much of what was being said. (SoP: My buddy Brett's got skills if you know what I'm saying. I'm just saying.)

The models got their clothes, hair and makeup and then Rachel was the first to go out on to the stage. She flubbed her speech and got flustered when the (typical for car presentations) rotating platform began moving. The audience was filled with Jaguar execs who might at that moment have wondered if English was really the native language of Australia or not.

Andre went next and the quick summary is that he said "It's not a car, it's a vehicle" and then some other gibberish.

Brett NovekBrett was third and he began with a good level of confidence. He was so cute introducing himself and I knew that if he really wanted me, specifically me, to buy that car, I'd find a way. Then the platform began rotating. He became flustered by the unexpected turn of events, and without a total stranger blogger fan like me there to comfort him, he had to just stop and say that he wanted to start over. Ben Stein and Mary Alice Stephenson encouraged him to go on. (Though this lasts but a few seconds, I get choked up every time I watch it.) Finally, Brett let loose with a massive, mother-of-all f-bombs. It was the kind that if it hadn't needed to be bleeped out, would have been echoed for several seconds through out the room, the building, and the city, startling far away passers-by and causing birds to take flight. Needless to say, after that, Brett's confidence was somewhat lessened. [I give SoP a tissue to dab his eyes.]

VJ and Angela were the last to go and they both did a fantastic job of selling the story of the car. VJ used common sense and deftly stepped off the platform when it started to rotate. (SoP: You mean slithered off. Me: Shh!) Angela used the platform as a runway to keep moving and position herself well. As it was impossible to decide which of the two was better, the Jaguar execs declared that VJ and Angela had tied for the win. (SoP: VJ kills children's pets and swallows them whole. Me: Now stop that. SoP: I'm just saying.)

When it came time for the judges to decide who was going home, the alliance was in the bottom three. VJ had successfully wiped his ass with the alliance's faces. (SoP: That's it. I'm leaving. I'm just saying. Me: Hold on, I'm almost done.) Rachel was sent packing and that was clearly an easy choice. Then to the surprise of the remaining models, it was announced that a second person would be booted at that time as well. Here, I disagree with the outcome. Everyone's boy, Brett, was given the heave-ho while Ben Stein, after having sent Rachel away with a erudite reference to Australopithecus afarensis, sent Brett off with a line inspired by the back of a Crest tube. It should have been, like the nuclear reactor at Chernobyl, Andre contained under several million cubic feet of concrete.

Brett Novek
Me: Well, SoP, I'd like to thank you for appearing here. Please let the real Pickel and real Brett know that I'd like to include comments from them too. You don't want the real VJ to beat you again in a networking challenge, do you?
SoP: I'll say something to myself, I'm just saying, I'll say to myself, Self, say something.
Me: Okay, but maybe a little less Foghorn Leghorn like.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Wheels In Motion

At the start of episode nine of America's Most Smartest Model, the alliance against VJ Logan was still as optimistic as a Soviet five-year plan, despite having lost a member while not even grazing VJ. For the next challenge, they were required to pair into teams with one model going solo and this really showed their current mental state. Rachel still felt no worries with Andre, saying she had a good shot with him by her side. If she meant being shot down like a dingo by the judges then she was right on target. Brett Novek, having not quite recovered from his loss, paired with a now imaginary Jeff Pickel.

For their Edge Challenge, the models traveled to Stratos Karts where they met Carter Oosterhouse from HGTV. Carter was there to help them with their task, which was to put together go-carts and use them to race against each other. Rachel, after having some impure feelings down under while thinking about having Carter's joey, stated she thought her team would be okay putting together a cart because Andre is a man. Rachel, two things: 1) I think the hole in the ozone has shorted-out the logic areas of your brain, and 2) being a man hasn't helped me know anything more about a vehicle other than than where the key goes, where the gas goes, and where my feet go when I'm getting boffed in a reclining bucket seat.

Brett Novek VJ LoganMary Alice Stephenson noticed that Brett was by himself and asked him if he was missing Pickel. Brett put his arm around something only he could see and in disturbing Carol Ann manner announced "He's he-re." He said it with such sincerity I started to think maybe there really was something there. My concern was justified when the challenge started and nuts and bolts inexplicably flew off of Brett's cart. I realized that imaginary Pickel may be actually be poltergeist Pickel. Suddenly the image of Pickel appeared in a glowing aureole and I instinctively arose and shouted as the Mangina that I am, "Don't go into the light, Brett! Make me bark like a dog, Brett!" I guess I should point out that that second line is what I yell at the TV every time Brett appears.

Brett Novek Jeff PickelI quickly decided I was actually seeing a beautiful vision. It was the spirit of Pickle. He had returned from the aftershow-life to let us know that he'd gone to a better place and he was thinking about spanking Brett's hiney. For me, that was all the confirmation I needed to realize that it was the real Pickel.

Content with that knowledge of life after purging, I watched the teams continue to work to put their carts together. Of course Angela had had experience working on cars and of course she and VJ finished first. Andre and Rachel had some trouble, since go-carts are significantly more complex that were Soviet automobiles. Brett, on the other hand. was slowed down by the voice of a now know-it-all spirit mentor hovering over him. In the end, the foreigners persevered, finishing second while a phantom Pickel made sure what was left of last place Brett's self-esteem was as plucked as both their eyebrows.

Brett NovekSince only the first two teams were allowed to race, Brett had to play with himself when they went to the track. Brett lamented how sad it was being at the track sitting there with his thumb in his ass. Brett, if you were doing that and still feeling sad, I don't think you were doing it right. This is where Obi-Pickel should have provided him some useful advice: "Use the forefinger, Brett, use the forefinger."

During the race Rachel cut off Angela on a curve and Angela and VJ could not recover from it. This gave Rachel and Andre the win and another opportunity never to acknowledge their own shady actions. VJ took pride with the 2nd place finish and didn't blame anyone for cheating, which was noticeably different from how most of the other models acted during the series.

Andre and Rachel discovered that their Edge was access to a manual in the glove compartment of a 2007 convertible Jaguar XKR. The manual provided them information about the car that they would be able to use during the next day's Callback Challenge. They drove the car and themselves back to the house, apparently not realizing that the car was worth almost as much as the less certain VO5 Extreme Style $100,000 prize and that maybe they should just ditch the camera crew and head for the border.

The Callback Challenge is covered in part 2.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Extra Pickel

Jeff Pickel from America's Most Smartest Model spoke with Kennedy on Fox Reality about the show and the other models. Kennedy started off by telling him he was one of the most photogenic models on the show. Would he be a model if he weren't photogenic? I guess he could always be a blogger - the requirements are a lot less stringent.

When asked to name the most sexy male model on the show, Pickel named his AMSMBFF Brett Novek. He went on to talk about how they were now roommates in their 1400 sq. ft. apartment with its two bedrooms and one bath.

Kennedy tried to feed her fantasy by getting Pickel to confirm that he had seen Brett in the shower. The one thing that is better than being a sexy model is of course living with a sexy model. And even better than that is sharing a bathroom with one. He was adamant that there was no peeking at the Brett bits: "I don't look at that kind of stuff, you know what I'm saying?" Pickel needs to know that he doesn't have to look to be running a video camera. In case Pickel hits a dry spell between bookings, a Brett shower cam could earn him a lot of quick cash.

Brett Novek ShowerKennedy wouldn't let the question go of Pickle peeping. K: "But if you did?" P: "But I don't." K: "Would he [Brett] be even sexier?" P: "I don't know, possibly." Finally, Pickel admitted, "To all the female viewers out there, he looks just as good in person as he does on TV." Uh, hello ..., male here. We want to know too. We are just like your female fans except we have a, well you know.

Kennedy makes one more attempt at getting to the bare facts about Brett. She asks, "Is he good enough to eat?" Pickel replies, "Not for me but for some people, yes." As if I needed another stimulus connected with Brett to get my saliva glands working in overdrive. I'm surprised she didn't ask "cut or uncut?" (For the record, a circumstantial circumcision syllogism says cut.)

Pickel used the interview as an opportunity to give the standard model's lament: don't hate me because I'm beautiful. He explained that people such as agents or photographers that aren't as good looking see male models as people that have everything handed to them, so they want to stick it to the models to bring them down a notch. Why would anyone think that models get special attention? It's only coincidence that I have been writing about models for nine weeks and not someone less aesthetically pleasing like Karl Rove.

When asked to name the best models on the show, Pickel listed himself, Brett and Andre. No VJ. For this I make an additional plea: this war, this vendetta, this Sicilian thing must end. Don't make me contact Dr. Phil for you.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

I been looking at the photo at the top and I realize that when Pickel is topped off with alcohol, he is really quite adorable. Fortunately, that fits with the necessity of getting him plastered before he and I could get busy. I'm thinking I would need to get him to at least a .2 BAC and totally s***-faced.


Update 1/5/08: Added link to VH1 Celebreality BlogTalkRadio interview.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

The Return of Brian Kehoe

Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency returns to the Oxygen channel for season three on 12/4. With the return of the show comes more adventures of the pleasant Brian Kehoe. I don't know if anything will be as exciting as Brian stripping down to show his lack of fur at a PETA rally, but it will be worth watching to see.

Besides Brian there will be several other models that will keep us tuning in. To start there is J.P. Calderon, who is a sentimental favorite. Joining J.P and Brian are Brian Bernie, Danny Nunez, Joe Monbleau, Christian Prelle and Payton Brady, among others.

There are three gay models joining the cast: Shaun McCarron, Paul Anderson, and Rodrigo de Carli (Claudio Martin). That won't get them any special attention here. They will need to show that they are as eye-catching as their straight counterparts.