VJ Logan Out Of Sight

There appears to be some controversy concerning the recent victory by VJ Logan in VH1's reality competition show America's Most Smartest Model. VJ's win of the title has sparked a nasty backlash against him (and the judges, and the network, and the sponsor) on the VH1 message boards. While many of the messages can be immediately discounted since they are from women who state that they hope the allegations about Andre Birleanu abusing women are true and that they wish he would abuse them also, other messages continue to harp about the fictional story line created by the show's editors that suggested that VJ had somehow cheated on his way to the win.

It's hard to know how representative the writers on the message boards are of the public at large, but I think that VJ should not be sitting back letting it happen without sufficient rebuttals to tell his side of the story. He did make an attempt in his post victory blog post on VH1.com, but even as a non-expert about public relations, I can tell you his words weren't enough for mollifying the angry villagers storming the VH1/VO5 castle. At this time, I am not aware of the existence of any other public communication that he has made that occurred after the airing of the show's finale.

Speaking of VO5, I looked for it at the local Publix store where I am vacationing because I wanted to get a shampoo that was safe for color treated hair. I didn't know if the brand offered that or not, but I thought I would take a look to show my support for the AMSM sponsorship. It was at the farthest point on the aisle because the products were arranged by price and at 99 cents, VO5 was the lowest. Well, they didn't have anything that said color safe, and I wasn't going to risk hurting my beautiful and expensive ash blonde with highlights on some 99 cent hair stripper, so I moved on. If a supporter like me won't touch the stuff, I wonder if VO5 will ever recoup their $100,000 prize and other promotional costs.

VJ IS AMERICA'S SMARTEST MODEL

As expected, VJ Logan was proclaimed "America's Most Smartest Model" in the finale of the show, beating Andre Birleanu. VH1 had described the show as a search for "the perfect combination of Beauty and Brains". Van Jameson did well enough in the modeling challenges to put him safely in the top tier of the best models, but it was on the brains side that he really excelled. He may not have had the intelligence or book smarts of a Daniel Schuman, but his application of his innate cleverness blew out the competition and left them amazed and sore (as in a kind of loser).

During the taping of the series, VJ faced wild accusations of cheating that never could be connected with any rules being broke or even bent. There were basically two things that instigated the denunciations. One is that most of the contestants had no idea what they were getting into when they signed up for the show. So, when they moved into the model house they just settled into making friends and enjoying a vacation. They weren't there for a competition and they were actually incredulous during the first episode that VJ would study while the rest of them were lounging around. When VJ started to win, some of the other models chose to explain their losing with accusations of VJ cheating rather than bother to step up their own game.

The second thing that fueled the baseless claims of cheating was the strategy of Andre. He wisely recognized that he could use these claims as a wedge to turn the other models against VJ, who Andre recognized besides himself was the other Alpha male in the house. It was a great strategy for Andre. He had gotten in fights with basically everyone else and he should have been the most hated person in the house, but instead he was able to make them forget about his own abusive behavior and focus on the mythical cheating. In doing this, the brilliance of the scheme really showed itself. He was able to make three of the final six totally take their eyes off the prize of winning the show themselves and work towards getting rid of Andre's main competition. Andre couldn't lose with this approach. Either VJ would be knocked out or the three members of his alliance would be so confused they would be kicked out before him. Too bad for Andre, but it was the only smart thing he did.

The start of the finale show reminded the viewers that the final two models, Andre and VJ, were tasked with putting together a five minute presentation explaining why they were "America's Most Smartest Model". VJ was in his element with spokesmodeling while Andre realized that he didn't stand a chance. Andre remembered that he had received an Edge of a Sony Ericsson Z750 phone and got the idea of calling Jeff Pickel and asking him to do the presentation for him. Pickel listened to Andre's plea and agreed to do it.


Pickel explained in a post interview clip how during the show he had come to an understanding with Andre to look past Andre's horrible behavior. Unfortunately, Pickel gave no explanation why he didn't try to make friends with VJ also during the show. The only clues have been comments that Pickel has made about Andre having more experience and therefore by definition being a better model.

One of the odd things I have learned about models while watching AMSM has been that they are really snobby about experience level. In most professions, the number of years of experience may be one of several indicators of how good someone is at their job, but in modeling it seems to be regarded as absolutely equivalent. Pickel seemed to have felt that having a young model of only five months outshine more experienced models was a threat to the foundation of the industry and was intent to see VJ put down. It's an unfortunate flaw of Pickel to put this belief ahead of helping the better player win the game.

Both Pickel and VJ did a good job presenting. Andre cut off Pickel before the end of "his" presentation and took over. It wasn't a very smart move because he really screwed up his message. After the presentations Andre and VJ were brought back to speak directly to the judges. VJ made use of the opportunity to continue to press his claim, while Andre wasted his time pursuing the cheating argument. Andre seemed not to understand that the judges knew exactly what the rules were and so would not give any credence to that tiresome attack.

Later Andre and VJ appeared before Mary Alice Stephenson and Ben Stein to listen to their final critiques. Andre was acknowledged as being the "best" model, but as the best combination of the brains and beauty, VJ was anointed as the one and only winner.

At the end of the show, VJ declared that he is so thankful for everyone that believes in him. Well, I've believed him for eleven weeks. I challenge him never to stop trying to be the best and to live up to the appellation of VJ, All-American Boy. One more thing: VJ, try not to talk with so many words that get bleeped out. And don't be afraid to let down the tough guy image sometimes to let the love shine through.


Other thoughts:

• When Brett Novek spoke of VJ cheating, I'm absolutely certain that Brett believed that. There's not a dishonest cell in Brett's body. I think his good nature interpreted what would otherwise be considered mild reality show tactics by VJ as cheating. That makes it hard for me to write about VJ because as anyone could plainly see throughout the show, Brett is definitely my favorite. I like to see the nicest guy finish first. I like to think I'm a nice guy too. However, I have to judge VJ in light of the whole reality competition show genre, and in comparison with contestants on shows like Survivor and Big Brother, VJ is practically a virgin.
  
• While I hope that VJ enjoys success in the profession of his choice, I think he would do really well in the corporate world, assuming he could overcome his anger problem and bleeped speech. If he had been a contestant on The Apprentice, I think he would have done well there also.
  
• For anyone that has a problem with Mary Alice Stephenson, I say go achieve even 1% of her resume in your lifetime and then you might begin to have some credibility to criticize her. She has borne the brunt of being in a terrible situation. One thing is that like all reality show cast members, she is edited to create whatever story the story editor wants to make. Another thing is that the structure of the judging focused all the dislike of any of the outcomes on her. It may be better in the future to have a three or more member panel to spread the criticism around. A third thing is that she had to throw out two hugely popular models: Pickel and Brett. So many people loved the comical Pickel and angelic Brett so much that their departure trigged a lot of vitriol aimed at Mary Alice. The ironic thing is that that type of vicious hostility is so contrary to Pickel and Brett's nature that it is hard to see how one could be a supporter of them and yet speak so harshly of MA.
• VJ is no angel. He's far from it. I wish that he could become friends with someone like Brett who could show him that there's also benefits from being nice to people and getting along with them. I think it would help VJ's long-term happiness.
  

The Last Picture Show

Episode 10 of America's Most Smartest Model began, as the show usually does, with scenes from the previous episode and with that I was forced to think about the fact that Brett Novek, the endearing and entrancing breakout star of the show, would no longer be on it. I had been working through the symptoms of Brett withdrawal for a week already, so I was miffed at VH1 for that lack of sensitivity. They also played the line where Brett says, "Let the nice guy finish first, please." Well, at least I can feel good knowing that from a review of viewers' comments from across the web, in their hearts he did.

As the new scenes started, Andre is shown strutting through the house in his jackboots as the Anthem of the Russian Federation played in the background. (The tune always makes me think of Pet Shop Boys' "Go West".) He looked at the wall of models' photo and remarked that he couldn't believe he had taken down all of the x'd models "single-handedly". I believe this is good corroboration of what I have said before, which is that careful analysis will show (to anyone with an open mind) that Andre was more responsible for his alliance's departure than was VJ Logan. Andre confessed it - believe it.

He spoke to the pictures, giving parting comments. He couldn't remember who the orange woman was and I'm not surprised. Was she actually on the show? (I truthfully have no recollection of seeing her on it.) When he got to Angela's photo, he couldn't remember her name. For those of you wishing to expand your knowledge of trivia, the inability to remember the name of someone you know well can be caused by a condition known as nominal aphasia or dysnomia. I know this because I have this too. It can be very annoying to have to give a description of someone you know instead of their name to someone else because you brain can't locate the word.

Outside, Andre read the notice to Angela and VJ that they were all going on an overnight road trip to a mystery destination. The location was quickly apparent to the viewers when the mandatory shot of the Palm Springs wind turbines was displayed. The models arrived at another big house and found that they would be spending casual time that night with Mary Alice Stephenson. It is important to note that Andre admitted, as he was looking forward to the evening, that Mary Alice is a very caring person who is very attractive. That's something that should be obvious to even the most casual of viewers, but for those that needed the extra explanation, Andre provided it.

Angela, VJ, and Andre had drinks and dinner with Mary Alice, where they raced to the bottom in trying to convince MA which of them deserved the most sympathy for having a hard knock life. Mary Alice was polite in listening, but it seemed more like an audition for which deserved to be the subject of a telethon instead of being awarded the prestigious title of "Most Smartest Model". It got interesting again afterwards, when MA told the contestants that they would be doing a photo shoot the next day and then introduced them to five extra models who would be supporting them in the photos. Mary Alice left and all the models got better acquainted. VJ played the ladies man while Angela (surprise, surprise) started bragging on herself. She had to demonstrate to the extras that her runway walk was as good as she said, but her steps didn't look near as good as Kathy Griffin's imitation of Paris Hilton's walk (you know what I'm talking about).

The next day the photoshoot prep started bright and early with the arrival of the crew. VJ came out for roll call dressed just in a towel. It's a good look for him. I'd like to see Fieldcrest do a runway show with VJ as the model. Unfortunately for him, when the shooting started he did a pastiche of Andre's grimaces, acting like a rock star. Oh, awful, nuff said. There are looks that VJ can do really well, and this wasn't one of them. His accompanying hair and makeup looked great (eyeliner on artisic men can be hot), but the poses were crap.

Andre on the other hand played to his strengths and did the limited set of characterizations that he knows he's good at. He's like an exceptional character actor who can make a good living playing only thugs. The question is whether it is better to be someone who can do a wide variety of roles well or someone who can play a niche role extraordinarily. For Andre on this day it was better to be the niche model and he won the competition handily. Angela, having played Rocker Posey, found out that she, and not her extras, was expendable and she was sent packing.

Andre and VJ returned to the main house, where they listened to Ben Stein read his cue cards, telling them that each of them as their final task would have to create and give a presentation on why they deserved to win. Van Jameson was uber confident about the challenge and Andre was not. While working with a professional on the creation of the presentation, Andre was at first worried but then he had the inspiration to call one or more unidentified people to help him. The episode ends with a "to be continued". Perhaps he gets a fellow AMSM model like Pickel to appear on his behalf?

VJ ponders what sneakiness the snake Andre is planning.
In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Wheels in Motion (Part 2)

Continued from part 1.

In the first part of episode nine of America's Most Smartest Model, the disembodied and now annoying spirit of Jeff Pickel appeared during the action of the Edge Challenge. Spirit of Pickel (SoP) wasn't able to help his buck buddy Brett Novek with mechanical engineering advice or threats of corporal punishment , but as I started to write this post, I though it might be fun and/or useful to summon him to see what he might have to say to me. For clarity, I will italicize any conversations or comments from the imaginary SoP.

Me: O Mighty Pickel! [Spirit of Pickel appears]
SoP: Brett's my "buck buddy"? Bro, we're just friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some guys like swordfish and some guys like Australian anchovy. I like Australian anchovy. I'm just saying.
Me: I never thought otherwise, but back to episode nine...

After the models returned from their Edge Challenge, VJ Logan found a mysterious note addressed to them. The note stated that the models had to decide collectively which of them was not smart enough and not model enough to be given the premier title in the American modeling industry: "America's Most Smartest Model". The copperhead snake Rachel suggested that they all vote anonymously and Romanian snake Andre agreed. As expected, the majority alliance of Andre, Rachel, and Brett then voted against Van Jameson. According to the note, this selection meant that VJ would be on the chopping block after the next Callback Challenge unless he won it. Rachel said she felt that VJ was the one that deserved to be on the chopping block, forgetting (from possibly more ill effects of that hole in the ozone) that the previous week she was the one that got by after walking like she had a didgeridoo up her ass.

Me: I'm disappointed in Brett for not voting on merit.
SoP: VJ is only good enough to be on posters showing the way to the reptile exhibit. Brett and I are real models. I'm just saying.

That night Andre and Rachel coiled up together and studied their Edge material for the Jaguar XKR. Clever VJ made use of the most glaring benefit available to all of the models: a phone in the house that is connected to the outside world. The producers of the show gave them all an unlimited phone-a-friend lifeline but for some reason only VJ had the minimum number of synaptic connections to think to use it. He called his best friend Jared and told him to look up info on the Jaguar on the internet so that he could use it to prepare for the next day's challenge. It should be noted that if this show continues in the future and the phone is still allowed, any person called for advice should be known as a "Jared", just like local helpers are all known as "Fern" on the Amazing Race.

[Spirit of Daniel Schuman appears.] SoD: My birthday is in six months!
Me: It's getting crowded here. Daniel, you go now.
SoD: Tell Spielberg that maybe, maybe, I'll invite him. [Daniel departs]
SoP: Next year's birthday trick is we're going to lock Daniel in the VIP room with a hundred ostriches. [gleefully] They're going have to peel him off the wall. I'm just saying.

The next day the models traveled to Jaguar N.A. headquarters and got prepped to do a presentation for the XKR. They were told a lot more information about the car, but Brett found the study skills needed to graduate from the University of Central Florida were not necessarily sufficient to help him learn too much of what was being said. (SoP: My buddy Brett's got skills if you know what I'm saying. I'm just saying.)

The models got their clothes, hair and makeup and then Rachel was the first to go out on to the stage. She flubbed her speech and got flustered when the (typical for car presentations) rotating platform began moving. The audience was filled with Jaguar execs who might at that moment have wondered if English was really the native language of Australia or not.

Andre went next and the quick summary is that he said "It's not a car, it's a vehicle" and then some other gibberish.

Brett was third and he began with a good level of confidence. He was so cute introducing himself and I knew that if he really wanted me, specifically me, to buy that car, I'd find a way. Then the platform began rotating. He became flustered by the unexpected turn of events, and without a total stranger blogger fan like me there to comfort him, he had to just stop and say that he wanted to start over. Ben Stein and Mary Alice Stephenson encouraged him to go on. (Though this lasts but a few seconds, I get choked up every time I watch it.) Finally, Brett let loose with a massive, mother-of-all f-bombs. It was the kind that if it hadn't needed to be bleeped out, would have been echoed for several seconds through out the room, the building, and the city, startling far away passers-by and causing birds to take flight. Needless to say, after that, Brett's confidence was somewhat lessened. [I give SoP a tissue to dab his eyes.]

VJ and Angela were the last to go and they both did a fantastic job of selling the story of the car. VJ used common sense and deftly stepped off the platform when it started to rotate. (SoP: You mean slithered off. Me: Shh!) Angela used the platform as a runway to keep moving and position herself well. As it was impossible to decide which of the two was better, the Jaguar execs declared that VJ and Angela had tied for the win. (SoP: VJ kills children's pets and swallows them whole. Me: Now stop that. SoP: I'm just saying.)

When it came time for the judges to decide who was going home, the alliance was in the bottom three. VJ had successfully wiped his ass with the alliance's faces. (SoP: That's it. I'm leaving. I'm just saying. Me: Hold on, I'm almost done.) Rachel was sent packing and that was clearly an easy choice. Then to the surprise of the remaining models, it was announced that a second person would be booted at that time as well. Here, I disagree with the outcome. Everyone's boy, Brett, was given the heave-ho while Ben Stein, after having sent Rachel away with a erudite reference to Australopithecus afarensis, sent Brett off with a line inspired by the back of a Crest tube. It should have been, like the nuclear reactor at Chernobyl, Andre contained under several million cubic feet of concrete.


Me: Well, SoP, I'd like to thank you for appearing here. Please let the real Pickel and real Brett know that I'd like to include comments from them too. You don't want the real VJ to beat you again in a networking challenge, do you?
SoP: I'll say something to myself, I'm just saying, I'll say to myself, Self, say something.
Me: Okay, but maybe a little less Foghorn Leghorn like.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Wheels In Motion

At the start of episode nine of America's Most Smartest Model, the alliance against VJ Logan was still as optimistic as a Soviet five-year plan, despite having lost a member while not even grazing VJ. For the next challenge, they were required to pair into teams with one model going solo and this really showed their current mental state. Rachel still felt no worries with Andre, saying she had a good shot with him by her side. If she meant being shot down like a dingo by the judges then she was right on target. Brett Novek, having not quite recovered from his loss, paired with a now imaginary Jeff Pickel.

For their Edge Challenge, the models traveled to Stratos Karts where they met Carter Oosterhouse from HGTV. Carter was there to help them with their task, which was to put together go-carts and use them to race against each other. Rachel, after having some impure feelings down under while thinking about having Carter's joey, stated she thought her team would be okay putting together a cart because Andre is a man. Rachel, two things: 1) I think the hole in the ozone has shorted-out the logic areas of your brain, and 2) being a man hasn't helped me know anything more about a vehicle other than than where the key goes, where the gas goes, and where my feet go when I'm getting boffed in a reclining bucket seat.

Mary Alice Stephenson noticed that Brett was by himself and asked him if he was missing Pickel. Brett put his arm around something only he could see and in disturbing Carol Ann manner announced "He's he-re." He said it with such sincerity I started to think maybe there really was something there. My concern was justified when the challenge started and nuts and bolts inexplicably flew off of Brett's cart. I realized that imaginary Pickel may be actually be poltergeist Pickel. Suddenly the image of Pickel appeared in a glowing aureole and I instinctively arose and shouted as the Mangina that I am, "Don't go into the light, Brett! Make me bark like a dog, Brett!" I guess I should point out that that second line is what I yell at the TV every time Brett appears.

I quickly decided I was actually seeing a beautiful vision. It was the spirit of Pickle. He had returned from the aftershow-life to let us know that he'd gone to a better place and he was thinking about spanking Brett's hiney. For me, that was all the confirmation I needed to realize that it was the real Pickel.

Content with that knowledge of life after purging, I watched the teams continue to work to put their carts together. Of course Angela had had experience working on cars and of course she and VJ finished first. Andre and Rachel had some trouble, since go-carts are significantly more complex that were Soviet automobiles. Brett, on the other hand. was slowed down by the voice of a now know-it-all spirit mentor hovering over him. In the end, the foreigners persevered, finishing second while a phantom Pickel made sure what was left of last place Brett's self-esteem was as plucked as both their eyebrows.

Since only the first two teams were allowed to race, Brett had to play with himself when they went to the track. Brett lamented how sad it was being at the track sitting there with his thumb in his ass. Brett, if you were doing that and still feeling sad, I don't think you were doing it right. This is where Obi-Pickel should have provided him some useful advice: "Use the forefinger, Brett, use the forefinger."

During the race Rachel cut off Angela on a curve and Angela and VJ could not recover from it. This gave Rachel and Andre the win and another opportunity never to acknowledge their own shady actions. VJ took pride with the 2nd place finish and didn't blame anyone for cheating, which was noticeably different from how most of the other models acted during the series.

Andre and Rachel discovered that their Edge was access to a manual in the glove compartment of a 2007 convertible Jaguar XKR. The manual provided them information about the car that they would be able to use during the next day's Callback Challenge. They drove the car and themselves back to the house, apparently not realizing that the car was worth almost as much as the less certain VO5 Extreme Style $100,000 prize and that maybe they should just ditch the camera crew and head for the border.

The Callback Challenge is covered in part 2.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Good Models Gone Bad (Part 2)

Continued from part 1.

In the first part of episode eight of America's Most Smartest Model, it was seen that model Brett Novek had not followed the better angels of his nature¹ and had instead joined a plot to prevent fellow contestant VJ Logan (an inexperienced but talented model) from winning. In listening to the bad little Brett on one shoulder and the good little Brett on the other, he had chosen to follow the advice of the bad one.² Granted, depending on how dirty he talked to me, I would have probably followed the commands of a bad little Brett Novek on my shoulder also. Hell, if I could see a good Brett and a bad Brett on either shoulder, I might never face forward again.

However, having chosen the ways of the dark side, Brett faced divine retribution and it was quick in coming. He and his AMSMBFF³ Jeff Pickel lost the Edge Challenge (along with co-conspirators Andre Birleanu and Aussie Rachel) to VJ and Angela Hart. The penalty for losing was at first stated to be nothing but a greater distance between changing room and runway for a runway show, so Brett did not see the foreshadowing of worse punishment to come. If he had, he might have tried to reverse the situation instead of joining in with Andre(!) the night before the show in badmouthing Angela's runway experience.

At the start of the Callback Challenge, Andre, Brett, and Pickel found out that not only would their changing area be farther away, but that they also would have to go through an obstacle course in between getting dressed and doing their walk. The other three (Rachel having been give the Edge as well) started the challenge. They each had to do three outfits, completing the task from start to finish in fifteen minutes. VJ had a great performance, looking like he had been doing runway for years. His hair and makeup were fantastic. You might have to slow down the replay to fully appreciate it, but the backside in the swimsuit walking away was truly saucy⁴. His teammate Angela, who usually wore her hair in an unflattering way, looked incredible. You won't see me saying this very often about a member of the other gender, but she was super hot. The body, the hair, the clothes, the walk, all worked together for a superior performance. I didn't know she had it in her.

Rachel, on the other hand, walked like (in her words) a horse. Perhaps it was a little intercession from St. Eligius⁵ to teach her a lesson for joining the alliance against VJ. Still, she's a pretty little filly. Maybe there's a second career there in human dressage⁶.

The three bad boys meanwhile were getting ready for their attack run. It didn't seem possible that these unknowing participants in this little morality play could put themselves in a worse position, but they did so with a invocation to the pagan "gods of fashion" and a strong display of Pride (as in "... goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."⁷).

They started the task in a flurry of dressing, which reminded me of being in a situation of jumping out of a trick's bed realizing I was late for work and not sure where all of my clothes were. They went through the obstacle course and it didn't seem to be too much of a hindrance for these physically fit men. When they got to the runway it did seem to have a residual effect. Brett did a so-so job, which looked very different from his walks in previous competitions. He was so stiff, looking like he was trying to balance a book on his head. It was amazing he could walk so upright having spun around a baseball bat five times, but the walk and the expression really detracted from the presentation of the clothes, which is the whole purpose of being on the runway. Pickel did a pretty good job while Andre looked like someone shuffling on their way to the dining hall at Rikers⁸.

The models received their reviews from the judges and they were consistent with what any lay person could see. Angela won the automatic callback and Brett and Andre received the brunt of the criticisms. Andre was stoic about it but Brett got very agitated with Mary Alice Stephenson. Under other circumstances, I believe he would have been polite about it, but in this case, he was watching the alliance's plans totally blow up in his face and the explosion was painful. Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad⁹ (or just plain pissed off). At the ceremony to announce who was leaving, he started talking again and Ben told him the show came down to something really simple: Mary Alice judging the models' fashion sense and Ben judging their intelligence. Here I disagree with Ben but concur with an earlier statement: the show comes down to being grist for gay-themed blogs and I say hoyay!¹⁰ (See the breathtaking Pickel package extension¹¹ during the quick change competition as evidence.)

Pickel, Brett, and Andre were sent to an eighth circle of Hell¹² as the bottom three and Pickel paid the price for the alliance's transgressions by being sent packing. America’s favorite scrubs-wearing, organ-pulling, clothes-making, female-touching, body-washing, self-tanning, chicken-loving, young Einstein impersonator¹³ was banished, leaving his beloved companion to gasp a Kerriganian "Why?"¹⁴ before one last embrace in a tableau of unbearable pathos¹⁵.

While it is sad and depressing to see Pickel go, I hope it was a wake-up call to Brett to listen to the good little Brett for the rest of the series.


In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

¹ Reference to Lincoln's First Inaugural Address (1861).
² An opposing angelic and demonic figure on either shoulder is a plot device often used to indicate an internal conflict with one's conscience.
³ America's Most Smartest Model best friend forever.
⁴ adj. Characterized by a lightly pert and exuberant quality.
⁵ St. Eligius is one of several patron saints of horses.
⁶ The art of training a horse to make specific and precise movements.
⁷ Proverbs 16:18.
⁸ Rikers Island is the name of New York City's largest jail facility.
⁹ Quote attributed to Euripides.
¹⁰ Abbreviation for "homoeroticism, yay"; it is usually followed by an exclamation mark.
¹¹ Pickel has a big wiener.
¹² Reference to Dante's The Divine Comedy.
¹³ Multiple references to previous episodes.
¹⁴ Reference to Nancy Kerrigan's famous cry after being assaulted in 1994.
¹⁵ n. A quality that arouses feelings of pity or sorrow.

Good Models Gone Bad

Harken, gentle readers, and I will tell you a tale of abiding love and beauty, dark deception and intrigue, and harrowing adversity and endurance. Vestem virumque cano. This is the story of episode eight of America's Most Smartest Model.

This chapter continues the heroic epic of the competition to win the glory and reward of being crowned the nations' most intelligent model. The contestants include, among others, two arch-rivals: comely Brett Novek and determined VJ Logan. Brett has used his inherent qualities of love and charisma to charm the judges and become one of the top contenders while VJ has relied on his raw talent and ambition to push himself into the upper echelon.

At the close of the previous chapter, virtuous Brett was faced with a terrible moral dilemma. VJ's sworn enemy in the game, Andre Birleanu (the Bizarro World's grotesquely imperfect copy of Borat), had conspired with Brett's AMSMBFF Jeff Pickel in a harebrained scheme to form an alliance to reverse the ascendancy of VJ and bring him low. The impetuous Pickel asked Brett what he thought about the plan. Brett wavered, torn between being true to his personal integrity or to being loyal to Pickel, his showmo mate. Unsure of what to do, he expressed his confusion and displeasure to Pickel saying, "I don't know what to think of you, bro." Finally, rather than risk losing the affection of his most favored friend, he reluctantly agreed to join the star-crossed relationship with the malevolent Andre. The three plotters added Pickel's secret friend Aussie Rachel to the group and the coterie was complete.

Episode eight begins with the conspirators lounging by the pool, reveling in their imagined future victory. Like all close-knit alliances on reality shows where there is but a single winner, they successfully suspended disbelief enough to somehow enjoy the thought of all four of them winning together. It is here that we first see Pickel take the extra step from only complaining about people to using a term like "pick off". Following his lead, Brett exclaims the most cursed words in reality TV: "Final four!" If only Brett had known me before the start of the show and if he called me and said, "Hey, you watch a lot of reality TV. Hypothetically, if I should ever be on a reality competition show, and if I should find myself in some kind of alliance, should I ever gloat about my group being the final set of contestants?" My response would have been "Yes, but only if you absolutely want to make sure that it won't really happen." I would then have gone on to teach him the entire theory of reality show karma and saved him from the pain that was yet to come.

Unfortunately for Brett, no one warned him about dancing with the devil either. The Dark Prince, who sometimes appears in the form of a Russian/Romanian model, wants to use people to do his bidding and to encourage them to become evil enough to condemn themselves as well. Brett and Pickel naively let Andre's hatred of VJ to lure them to turn from working to win as the model with the most talent, the most integrity and the best sportsmanship, to being Andre's willing pawns in a decidedly uncharacteristic attempt to spoil someone else's opportunity to win. Can you feel the aura of bad karma starting to hover over our dynamic duo?

The models found running shoes and tank tops and realized that the next Edge Challenge will somehow be physical. The accompanying notice indicated there would be a grueling test of bodies and minds with the models in teams of two. VJ surprisingly asked Andre to be his teammate, explaining in the post-interview that he thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know him. VJ clearly never misses a trick, capturing good karma for his willingness to make nice with his enemy. On the other hand, Brett and Pickel met with Aussie Rachel and Andre in the bathroom and talked about smashing VJ. If you are keeping track of net karma, you would realize that the episode might just as well have ended right there. Brett and Pickel didn't stand a chance from that moment on.

The challenge was for one member of the team to answer correctly as many trivia questions as they could in one minute, and then after that, have the other team member run on a treadmill with a setting related to the number of correct responses. The one with the most correct answers would get the lowest setting. Brett and Pickel were a team, Andre and Rachel another, and VJ and Angela the remaining one. In the question segment, Angela and Rachel tied with most correct answers and Pickel had the least. He was unable to name a water fowl, presumably preferring only land ones (see last week).

VJ and Andre started running on their treadmills with a setting of 6 while Brett started at a 9. After five minutes, Pickel thought Brett should consider stopping to prevent overexertion. He convinced Brett to stop by asking him coyly, "Do you want me to pull it?" Brett (having waited for this for seven episodes) agreed to stop and said pleadingly, "Pull it."

Staying on their treadmills, Andre and VJ settled in for the long run (pun intended). As time went on, the settings increased. VJ was firm on winning for America while Andre declared that he felt "Soviet!" (History reminder for Andre: the Soviets were obliterated. Time to pick a different role model.) This reenactment of the Cold War played out to its expected end and VJ, All-American Boy, beat the commie. VJ saluted his conquered foe and then he and Angela discovered that their Edge would be a changing room close to the runway for a runway show. It didn't sound that important to the alliance so it didn't worry them too much.

An added twist came a little later when VJ found out that he needed to share the Edge with one of the four losing models. The obvious pick was Rachel since she was currently the weakest player and would most likely not benefit from the advantage. Rachel was glad to get it. Other than allying with Pickel because of her off-camera friendship with him, Rachel would have allied with anyone - Andre, VJ, last week's donkey - whatever would have kept her from being on the bottom.

The Callback Challenge is covered in part 2.

Other thoughts:

• Mary Alice Stephenson for President and Ben Stein for Vice-President. Ben would bring some needed intelligence to Washington and Mary Alice could easily stand toe-to-toe with other world leaders. Mary Alice to Hugo Chavez: "I don't think you're smart enough and you're definitely not model enough to be President-for-life of Venezuela."
• This bad blood between Brett, Pickel, and VJ is making it a lot less likely that my fantasy will come true of seeing them doing a remake of Madonna's Cherish video as the three mermen. I had planned to be out there on a boat with a man-size fish net. Fortunately, they are all bigger than the limit so I wouldn't have had to release any of them back into the water.
  

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Party Animals (Part 2)

Continued from part 1.

VJ Logan, the one who wants to win America's Most Smartest Model the most, won the Edge Challenge in episode seven and the power that went with it. For the Callback Challenge he got the most time (30 minutes) in front of the camera for a photo shoot, and he also got to assign who got which of the remaining, lesser time allotments. The photo shoot involved animals and VJ got first pick of the set of different animals available. The stallion that is Van Jameson of course picked the horse, while our other two men of note, Jeff Pickel and Brett Novek, selected the chicken and the pig. VJ, unfortunately, went too sullen with his expressions and even though he had the most time, his photos didn't show any charisma or other emotion. Pickel's photos only showed a disturbing comfortability between man and fowl. Brett's photos were few in number and unable to show any porcine passion other than fear. Perhaps the pig had caught wind of the anatomy exercise from earlier in the series.

Andre Birleanu ended up winning the contest with a photo of him using the same choking tactic on a llama that he had used on Lisa in a previous photo. The worst photo was Daniel's, which was taken in the one minute he was given in front of the camera. It showed him exhibiting actual fear while stroking an ostrich. Such is a model's life.

Daniel's modeling challenge results in AMSM have not been spectacular, so it was not surprising that his intelligence was not enough to keep in him the show any longer, especially with the performance in the networking challenge. Therefore, like the undigestible part of the food I ate three days ago, he was pushed out.

Toward the end of the episode, Andre and Pickel (and Brett by association) decide to ally against VJ, ostensibly because they believed VJ was too cocky, but more likely because they realize that he was the biggest threat. I remain a Brett man, but I believe that VJ is being judged too harshly because people don't appreciate his complexity.

Just from what shown on the show, it is clear that VJ is someone with a lot of internal conflict, which probably causes him a lot of unhappiness. On the one hand, from his life experiences, he may believe that he needs to have a hard exterior and be very scrappy to keep other people from taking advantage of him or knocking him around. He may also have some reluctance for trusting other people, believing that he needs to be independent and rely on himself to get ahead. On the other hand, he has a less visible side that would like very much to help others and be friends with every one. Like my mother's baking, he is rock hard on the outside and soft and gooey on the inside.

There were several signs during the episode of the dichotomy that is VJ. The harsh side was displayed with the insults that were thrown at Andre during the photo shoot and then with the shouting match afterwards. The soft side instinctively complimented Andre that he had done a good job considering he had been given only two minutes. The hard game player gave the declining Daniel the least amount of time, but the concerned kid stuck up for Daniel when he thought Andre was abusing him. The hard side teased the other models by looking in one direction before handing out a time allotment (acting as if were going to give it to who he was looking at) and then handing it to a different model. The soft side was shown by not giving Pickel and Brett the worst times, despite tiffs that he had had with Brett. In fact, when Brett's pig ran away, VJ encouraged Brett by telling him he still had time to capture it and get more photos. We need to consider that VJ may be acting in a way that he feels that he has to, and not necessarily the way he wants to.

Other thoughts:

• The boy models' hair looks so good even when they get up in the morning. I haven't been able to make my hair look like anything other than crap for awhile, despite trying a lot of hair products. I want to know what they use on their hair.
• I have a better opinion of Andre after his display of his humorous side. He's still someone that you would rather speak to for only a few minutes through the plexiglass at the lockup, but it's nice to see that he has a human side.
• Mary Alice Stephenson is playing a role that she was hired to do for the show. The producers clearly wanted a Simon Cowell performance and not a Paula Abdul one, so it's not fair to Mary Alice to criticize her as a person for acting in a way she is paid to do.
• When Brett found out they were going to the country, he said "I'm down for new things." Note to Brett: I'm a new thing.
  

Van Jameson Logan

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Andre said VJ did not look like a real cowboy. This video shows what cowboys should look like:

Party Animals

Until recently, more people were searching for "VJ Logan" than "Brett Novek" (from America's Most Smartest Model) on Google, but the tide has turned in the last three weeks in Brett's favor, so that Brett is now on top of VJ. I base that unofficial finding on an assumption that with this site in the same position for both on serp, searchers for either one are equally likely to find their way here and I can measure by the number of click-throughs from the queries. I don't know that this means anything right now, and certainly the results may swing both ways such that VJ may top Brett in the future.

There are also some people searching for Brett in Papi underwear. Like Pavlov's dog, our base instincts may have created an association in our minds (Brett + underwear = hidden treasure) that leads us to uncontrollably salivate, but as the show has continued, I am seeing Brett more as a modest, restrained, altar boy type who wouldn't engage in any hanky-panky. While AMSMBFF Jeff Pickel is the natural object of the invitational phrase "For a good time call...", Brett is the take-him-home-to-meet-mother guy for whom there will be no petting the pooch until at least a commitment ceremony has occurred.

The actual center of attention this week on AMSM was Daniel Schuman. Episode seven begins with Daniel finding a note that acknowledged that his birthday was that day and that the models would be taken to a place that evening for dinner and dancing. The note was delivered and written in the same manner as all the previous notes that announced competitions. Incredibly, after six episodes worth of events, not one of the models at that time realized that it was the announcement for what would be the next Edge Challenge. They believed that VH1 was in the habit of buying everyone dinner at an expensive restaurant, sending a full video crew, and suspending the play of a reality competition show for which they are paying a lot of people to create, just to celebrate one of the contestant's birthday. This, despite the fact that the note does not state they have "the night off" (pause Tivo and read it yourself).

The Edge Challenges test the intelligence of the models and the failure to realize that a test was even occurring should have given all of them a failing grade. It could have fooled Rachel Myers, but the remaining models should have known better.

The models go the club, eat dinner and drink liberally, but as Dean Wormer might have said, thin, drunk and stupid is no way go through a reality show. They are invited to a party with an open bar upstairs where Mary Alice Stephenson has planted people from the entertainment industry to test the models' networking skills. The models with the most experience, who should have been the best in detecting opportunity, failed miserably. Angela Hart said one of the men "grabbed my arm", which to her was "a red flag", as in a sign that she was being hit on. Since the guy in this case was one of the people there to interview her and indisputably not trying to hit on her, she needs to know that her red flag system has a major malfunction. Andre thought that the same guy was hitting on him too. It sounds like they both have the "Blanche Devereaux" syndrome, believing that every man in the world wants to sleep with them.

Pickel, on the other hand, probably couldn't care less, as he got a little grabby with one of the females. As his friend, Brett needs to pull out the good touch/bad touch doll and explain to Pickel the adult version of the rules.

VJ claimed afterward that he had grown suspicious after noticing how many entertainment industry people there were at the party and decided that it must all be part of the game. He used the opportunity to network with a vengeance and collect business cards the way Andre collects arrest warrants.

The actual purpose of the test was to test their "social intelligence". This is the part of intelligence that has to do with the ability to recognize what is happening in the world around you and to respond to it in a socially effective manner. It is a noticeably deficient characteristic in autistic persons, who cannot accurately interpret other people's intentions, emotions, etc., from the auditory and visual cues that people give off. Clearly, it was necessary not to explicitly reveal that a socializing test was occurring in order to get good results. It would be a good way to tell whether the models could accurately determine who at a party was beneficial to their careers and who were merely there for a good time.

One by one, the models are pulled aside to face Mary Alice and the industry insiders to be told that they had been tested and to find out how well they had done. Those drunk and/or sexually obsessed did poorly while the game player and the friendly one (i.e VJ and Brett) did well. VJ reached into his pants and said, "Can I just pull all of 'em out?" I thought, finally, we are going to see the previously mentioned "Big Daddy VJ" and the boys, but he just pulled out a stack of business cards instead.

The ones most intoxicated, Daniel and Aussie Rachel, were very upset about what had happened. Daniel went on a tirade, which didn't bother me because I don't blame anyone for anything they do under the influence. However, I am very disappointed in him for subsequently not admitting that he was rightly outsmarted, that these models' ability to discern advances from opportunities really sucks, and that it is possible to learn something new, even from Mary Alice. When egotistical Andre comments that "I don't even say that shit", about Daniel's remarks about being too good to chase after Steven Spielberg, Daniel should realize he has room for improvement. On the other hand, Aussie Rachel totally gets a pass for her whining because of an entertaining monkey dance that she did, although I think seeing Curious George on TMZ shuffling outside the Viper Room would have been funnier.

The winner of the challenge was a vaklempt VJ who got a really big edge for the Callback Challenge.


The rest of the episode will be covered in part 2.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

The Shape of Fashion

Watching America's Most Smartest Model, it looks like the co-host Mary Alice Stephenson was expecting a more serious show like ANTM or Project Runway. She not only gives tough critiques, but she also encourages the contestants to be more cutthroat, as modeling is in real life. On the other hand, the producers clearly intended the show to be as light-hearted as it actually is. From the title of the show to the casting of likable, humorous personalities, they created a well differentiated show that provides some light entertainment for a Sunday afternoon. I hope as they cast for the second season that they don't move away from the formula to create another in a line of high drama, bitch-fest shows. AMSM has just enough of that to keep it interesting but so not so much to take it away from its focus on its comedic elements.

Episode six of the show led off with an Edge Challenge that required the remaining models to pair up into teams and to have each member of the team cut three specified shapes out of paper. The team that accurately cut out all six shapes the fastest would be the winner. An easy task for elementary school students, but not necessarily easy for the masterful models.

As would be expected, AMSMBFFs Brett Novek and Jeff Pickel joined together again to be a team of convivial cocks of the walk. VJ Logan had to pair with Aussie Rachel since his regular squeeze box decided it was in her best interests to team up with the sagacious Daniel Schuman. (She thought Daniel's wits could save her from being, like the Second Defenestration of Prague, thrown out.) Left over, Angela Hart and Andre Birleanu formed the fourth team.

The challenge was devised and supervised by Project Runway's Santino Rice, who missed an opportunity to do a revision of his "Where's Andre?" imitation of Tim Gunn. The Brett/Pickel and VJ/Aussie Rachel teams had no problem with the task. Unfortunately for Daniel and Angela, their teammates blonde Rachel and Andre had trouble. Andre because of his unfamiliarity with the English system of measurement and Rachel because, well if you have seen the show you know why. Santino noted that it was painful to watch them work.

The winners of the Edge Challenge were Brett and Pickel. For the Callback Challenge, which was to use the shapes to design a garment, BP received assistance from Santino as their edge in creating their apparel. The first hurdle they faced was the fact that they were both men and mens' clothing is difficult to create for the inexperienced. They settled on creating basically a fighter's robe with some sexy underpinnings for Brett to model.

Brett and Pickel showed that they were starting to "get it" - understanding the competition as VJ had already done. As the winners of the first challenge, they also got to give one other team only a single shape to work with. They decided to hose VJ by giving him just a circle, (which surprisingly he didn't just use to make a poncho.)

BP realized the clothes challenge was really about the presentation, not the design and workmanship of the clothes. In the end, Brett's sinewy body, Pickel's runway description, and their overheated raging red robe won them the automatic callback.

Blonde Rachel said that Mary Alice and the female guest judge were just two girls who like hot boys. Well, who doesn't like hot boys? With Brett and Pickel, even straight boys got to shout ... baby got pack(-age)! Rachel's dress was criticized but it was just an excuse. It was time for her to go and she ended up getting tossed rather bluntly.

Some extra thoughts:

• I'll will miss the sound effects that occurred when Rachel thought about things.
• Did you notice VJ dabbing his eyes after Rachel was let go? Maybe his tough guy image is hiding some deep inner sensitivity.
• I'm still wondering exactly what VJ said in episode five that got so bleeped.

Considering "most smartest", Angela and Daniel are the smartest contestants and they should have found ways to always be on the same team. They would have killed on all the intelligence tasks. Daniel would be a worthy winner as he follows the rules in general and the Golden Rule in particular. He expects everyone else to do the same and, unfortunately, he gets very frustrated when they don't.

Brett and Pickel rehearsing Cinderella?
In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.

Getting Piggy With It

The most important thing in reality tv is the casting. It is essential to cast interesting people whom viewers can get to know quickly and want to see more of from week to week. A good example of good casting is the show America's Most Smartest Model. It would have been easy to have cast basically cardboard cutouts that looked good but had no other worthwhile traits to speak of. Instead, the people responsible for the selection did an excellent job of picking people with both hot bodies and anything but stereotypical model personalities.

Compare the men of AMSM with the guys from Manhunt or Average Joe. Manhunt men were interesting enough for a roll in the sack but that's it. The well-built men from Average Joe were unbearable every time they opened their mouths. AMSM went a different direction and someone deserves a bonus for it.

Episode five of the search for the most erudite yet pulchritudinous specimen started with another unsettling display of the situation between VJ Logan and Rachel. He wakes up to find the female in the bed. With the camera on him he covers his face (from embarrassment?) and wraps himself with the comforter like a body size condom to protect himself from her.

The most troubling element for me is Rachel's appearance. Her lack of sufficient body fat means there is not enough subcutaneous adipose tissue to support her face and this causes pronounced nasolabial folds. It makes her look a lot older than she is - even older than co-host Mary Alice. With that in mind, Rachel starts to look old enough to be VJ's mom and that's creepy.

Speaking of fetal pigs, the Edge challenge involved carving up little piglets to show that the models could find and extract specific organs. I was eating lunch at the time I was watching the show and that wasn't easy to do. VJ, relying on some previous experience with butchering, got an "A". Jeff Pickel also got an "A" and Brett Novek an "A-". The grading was done by a high school biology teacher, who wisely noted that Pickel had "great, great organs, complete organs, clean organs." Brett was lauded for having "cleaned up your organs very nicely." From what I have seen of the show. their personal hygiene, and they way they fill out their shorts, I would have assumed this to be true.

The winner of the competition was Daniel Schuman, who then was the only person given an advance copy of the script for a 30 second commercial that each of the models would have do as the second contest in the episode. The commercial was for a bodywash product and would take place in a shower. Only Daniel would get to do the scene with hot water. Everyone else would be subjected to cold.

The preparation for the commercial shoot was fraught with controversy. Part of the parameters of the contest was that each model would receive their script only twenty minutes before their shoot so that that was all the time they would have to learn it. VJ eavesdropped on models ahead of him doing their rehearsals so that he could gain an advantage in the vocalization. Some of the other models were disturbed by this behavior and called him on it. VJ became angry at the accusation that he had engaged in cheating.

Let's see if we can figure this out and achieve a win-win situation.

Brett appears to be highly ethical person with his concern about adherence to the spirit of the rules. That's a good thing and I really appreciate it. It makes you believe you could always trust him and that if you were his mate, you wouldn't have to worry about him cheating on you.

On the other hand, it appears that VJ is sharp enough to see that the game doesn't start and stop with the beginning and end of each of the challenges. As he remarked, he is the only one that understands the competition - that the game is going on 24/7 and things like grabbing an anatomy book or eavesdropping on others is all an expected part of it. He may be getting the flack for outsmarting the others, but Mary Alice made it quite clear that it is not only legal, but an indicator of who she thinks are the better players.

Unfortunately, the first players in a reality show don't all know how the game should be played and this can cause bad blood between them (remember season one of Survivor). It remains to be seen if any future episodes contain any dirty dealing that would justify definite condemnation of the behavior of any of the models. Still, it would be better if VJ would not be so blistering in his retorts. It's not good to make enemies so easily.

The bad part is that the points of contention didn't seem to alter the outcome of VJ's performance. He didn't need the anatomy book and he had an innate advantage in doing a shower scene. VJ is a get dirty and stroke yourself with lather kind of guy. He won the automatic callback for his wet performance and said, "Big Daddy VJ took this one home." Personally I would rather have heard him talk about whether any shower "shrinkage" occurred, but maybe his use of the term "Big Daddy" let us know that none had.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.