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Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Wheels in Motion (Part 2)

Continued from part 1.

In the first part of episode nine of America's Most Smartest Model, the disembodied and now annoying spirit of Jeff Pickel appeared during the action of the Edge Challenge. Spirit of Pickel (SoP) wasn't able to help his buck buddy Brett Novek with mechanical engineering advice or threats of corporal punishment , but as I started to write this post, I though it might be fun and/or useful to summon him to see what he might have to say to me. For clarity, I will italicize any conversations or comments from the imaginary SoP.

Me: O Mighty Pickel! [Spirit of Pickel appears]
SoP: Brett's my "buck buddy"? Bro, we're just friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some guys like swordfish and some guys like Australian anchovy. I like Australian anchovy. I'm just saying.
Me: I never thought otherwise, but back to episode nine...

VJ LoganAfter the models returned from their Edge Challenge, VJ Logan found a mysterious note addressed to them. The note stated that the models had to decide collectively which of them was not smart enough and not model enough to be given the premier title in the American modeling industry: "America's Most Smartest Model". The copperhead snake Rachel suggested that they all vote anonymously and Romanian snake Andre agreed. As expected, the majority alliance of Andre, Rachel, and Brett then voted against Van Jameson. According to the note, this selection meant that VJ would be on the chopping block after the next Callback Challenge unless he won it. Rachel said she felt that VJ was the one that deserved to be on the chopping block, forgetting (from possibly more ill effects of that hole in the ozone) that the previous week she was the one that got by after walking like she had a didgeridoo up her ass.

Me: I'm disappointed in Brett for not voting on merit.
SoP: VJ is only good enough to be on posters showing the way to the reptile exhibit. Brett and I are real models. I'm just saying.

VJ LoganThat night Andre and Rachel coiled up together and studied their Edge material for the Jaguar XKR. Clever VJ made use of the most glaring benefit available to all of the models: a phone in the house that is connected to the outside world. The producers of the show gave them all an unlimited phone-a-friend lifeline but for some reason only VJ had the minimum number of synaptic connections to think to use it. He called his best friend Jared and told him to look up info on the Jaguar on the internet so that he could use it to prepare for the next day's challenge. It should be noted that if this show continues in the future and the phone is still allowed, any person called for advice should be known as a "Jared", just like local helpers are all known as "Fern" on the Amazing Race.

[Spirit of Daniel Schuman appears.] SoD: My birthday is in six months!
Me: It's getting crowded here. Daniel, you go now.
SoD: Tell Spielberg that maybe, maybe, I'll invite him. [Daniel departs]
SoP: Next year's birthday trick is we're going to lock Daniel in the VIP room with a hundred ostriches. [gleefully] They're going have to peel him off the wall. I'm just saying.

Brett NovekThe next day the models traveled to Jaguar N.A. headquarters and got prepped to do a presentation for the XKR. They were told a lot more information about the car, but Brett found the study skills needed to graduate from the University of Central Florida were not necessarily sufficient to help him learn too much of what was being said. (SoP: My buddy Brett's got skills if you know what I'm saying. I'm just saying.)

The models got their clothes, hair and makeup and then Rachel was the first to go out on to the stage. She flubbed her speech and got flustered when the (typical for car presentations) rotating platform began moving. The audience was filled with Jaguar execs who might at that moment have wondered if English was really the native language of Australia or not.

Andre went next and the quick summary is that he said "It's not a car, it's a vehicle" and then some other gibberish.

Brett NovekBrett was third and he began with a good level of confidence. He was so cute introducing himself and I knew that if he really wanted me, specifically me, to buy that car, I'd find a way. Then the platform began rotating. He became flustered by the unexpected turn of events, and without a total stranger blogger fan like me there to comfort him, he had to just stop and say that he wanted to start over. Ben Stein and Mary Alice Stephenson encouraged him to go on. (Though this lasts but a few seconds, I get choked up every time I watch it.) Finally, Brett let loose with a massive, mother-of-all f-bombs. It was the kind that if it hadn't needed to be bleeped out, would have been echoed for several seconds through out the room, the building, and the city, startling far away passers-by and causing birds to take flight. Needless to say, after that, Brett's confidence was somewhat lessened. [I give SoP a tissue to dab his eyes.]

VJ and Angela were the last to go and they both did a fantastic job of selling the story of the car. VJ used common sense and deftly stepped off the platform when it started to rotate. (SoP: You mean slithered off. Me: Shh!) Angela used the platform as a runway to keep moving and position herself well. As it was impossible to decide which of the two was better, the Jaguar execs declared that VJ and Angela had tied for the win. (SoP: VJ kills children's pets and swallows them whole. Me: Now stop that. SoP: I'm just saying.)

When it came time for the judges to decide who was going home, the alliance was in the bottom three. VJ had successfully wiped his ass with the alliance's faces. (SoP: That's it. I'm leaving. I'm just saying. Me: Hold on, I'm almost done.) Rachel was sent packing and that was clearly an easy choice. Then to the surprise of the remaining models, it was announced that a second person would be booted at that time as well. Here, I disagree with the outcome. Everyone's boy, Brett, was given the heave-ho while Ben Stein, after having sent Rachel away with a erudite reference to Australopithecus afarensis, sent Brett off with a line inspired by the back of a Crest tube. It should have been, like the nuclear reactor at Chernobyl, Andre contained under several million cubic feet of concrete.

Brett Novek
Me: Well, SoP, I'd like to thank you for appearing here. Please let the real Pickel and real Brett know that I'd like to include comments from them too. You don't want the real VJ to beat you again in a networking challenge, do you?
SoP: I'll say something to myself, I'm just saying, I'll say to myself, Self, say something.
Me: Okay, but maybe a little less Foghorn Leghorn like.

In depth coverage and photos of -> America's Most Smartest Model.


Anonymous said...

Who wrote this clearly has a majour crush on VJ of course he did not deserved to win he was a cheater and a trickery person

Anonymous said...

No, my favorite was Brett. A dispassionate review of all the episodes and the subsequent statements by those involved shows that there has never been any examples given of VJ cheating or breaking any rules. It's okay to be upset that your favorite didn't win, but it's being a bad sport to denigrate the winner with unfounded allegations.