Janice Dickinson In The Big Mother House

In season four, episode one of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about the usual addition of new models and this season, for the first time, the usage of a common abode for Janice and her models. At the start of a new season Janice needs to replenish her stock and that has been a customary part of the show. The use of a single living environment is a significant change to the dynamics of the show (although it is a common element in reality TV) and it will be interesting to see how it affects the drama.

To start things off, Janice Dickinson gave an introduction for the season, bringing her viewers up to date on her partnership dissolution with Peter Hamm. She explained that the separation required a division of the assets and that she was able to keep most of her favorite models. Her list of them by name was J.P. Calderon, Crystal Truehart, Brian Kehoe, Traci Moslenko, Dominic Figlio, Christian Prelle, Payton Brady, Danny Nunez, CC Fontana, and "several others". I don't know how the several other models felt by this pronouncement (especially Michael Anderson who was shown as she spoke the words), but if I were listed in "others", I'm not sure I would consider myself actually to be one of her "favorites".

What can we learn from her enumerated list? One thing is that 7 of the 9 are men, which buttresses my previous statement that predominantly the male models should be shown on the television show, with maybe a few video clips of the women tagged on to the show's web site. However, if Janice were to expand her yet-to-be shown plus-size division by adding a drag queen subdivision, that could be worth watching on TV also. It would be a hoot just to see them all come to every casting dressed and made up to look like Janice.

Janice also asked the question, "And what would the agency be without the ever-loving Sorin [Mihalache] on security duty?" Hmmm, let me think about that. More dignified, more respectable, less bizarre? Is one of those the right answer?

The selection of the new models was done at a VIP (pre-selected) casting call at Siren Studios in LA. Janice Dickinson bounced into the room exuberantly happy to see the prospects. She modestly tried to cut the thunderous applause that the applicants gave at the sight of the legendary world's first supermodel. The camera didn't show if anyone swooned at the experience but I would imagine at least a few people would have had to when received into her presence. Needless to say, Janice looked stunning with her perfect figure and timeless beauty. Her taut boobies stayed perfectly in place.

Janice stated, "All I need is one thing: that capital I-T, that solid it thing that no one else can see but me." Here I have to disagree with Janice. When I'm out hunting down that solid it thing on a Saturday night, I want it to be visible from across the street, preferably hidden by nothing more than a pair of lycra bike shorts.

Sentimentally, my favorite Janice line was "Boys, boys, boys, I need you to do one thing: take your shirts off!" I will leave for another time the story of when I used that same line on a pair of Mormon missionaries.

Here are the models she selected:

• Chandler Maness was concerned about how well he would do considering the competition in the room. He had nothing to worry about although he almost escaped Janice's eye. He shows a lot of personality for the camera in his expression.
• Martin Ritchie is a model who is deaf and looks so cute and sweet. Janice gave him a big hug, which I think a lot of viewers are going to want to do also. His interpreter Jerry Ferris is modelicious himself.
• Paul Vandervort is a diminutive model who has the face and teeth to do okay, but the chest in the side view is looking like a B cup and I just don't find that flattering on a man. When building definition in the pectorals you have to know when to stop, although I realize the temptation to keep going past the limit of where it looks good. It's especially not good on a smaller frame. It makes the proportions out of whack.
• Gavyn Michaels to me looks reminiscent of Paul Rudd.

At some point Janice Dickinson got it in her head that to enhance her oversight of her models she needed to open a "model house" where her best models would live with her and she would keep a close eye on how they prepared themselves to be top-notch model material.

She arranged to rent a suitably sized house and was excited with most of it until she saw her master bedroom. She decided it had to be remodeled before it could be considered habitable. Her choice of decorator was Christopher Ciccone. I have to say this for the sake of completeness: "Madonna's brother", but really anyone who is watching JDMA should already know that. Janice told him that she basically had no money to pay him, so then it's not clear if the lack of money or Chris' (or at least his assistants') lack of taste is what led to the result: a cherry red, Dutch whore house design. I hope Janice was just being polite when she compared the bedroom to the virgin white remainder of the house: "This is more me than the rest of the house." Okay.

In a closet enclosure in her bedroom, it was revealed that it contained a big display monitor connected to many security cameras throughout the house. It sounded too much like a mixture of JDMA with Big Brother and I hope this is not jumping the shark.

To fill the house Janice first "summoned" what she called her "pre-existing" models, as in "pre-existing disease". That didn't sound so good for what might lie ahead. The returning models brought their suitcases and given the circumstances thought they would be living there for the duration of the season's taping. Only the highly astute Kehoe realized that there were too few beds in the house for all of the returning models to use, much like Rose noticed about the number of lifeboats in Titanic. Again, not boding well.

Janice personally brought her bevy of newbies to the house and displayed them to the returning models. She then unveiled the surprise that only fifteen out of the combined total of new and returning models would actually be chosen to live in the house. The returning models felt confident about being selected and so had no problem partying near if not exactly with the new models at the house until the final selection was made. J.P. Calderon arrived late and after being loved by all the returning models he saw the separation between new and old and went out of his way to introduce himself to the new ones. Kehoe was Keyhole to the new models, playing his specified role in this production.

The client in this episode was Nicolita Sainz, a Cuban swimwear designer, who needed one female to be the new face for the company and one male model to be her admirer. You would think Danny Nunez, of Cuban descent, would be a shoo-in, but he still appears too shy and uncertain of himself when auditioning. Instead the male position went to Chandler Maness, who was noted for his expressive eyes.

In the end, Janice Dickinson ended up only choosing nine people to live in the house and they were all new models. Everybody else she threw out. The returning models were understandably angry about the decision, but if they know anything about Janice they should know that her methodology includes making models angry at their competitors so they will try harder to beat them. She does it like prepping pit bulls before a dog fight, but for these doe-eyed models it's really like rubbing a puppy's nose in their own dookie - it has no idea what's going on.