Thursday, September 18, 2008

Janice Dickinson And The B Word

In season four, episode four of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about the B words, plural, and surprisingly none of them apply to Janice.

At the beginning of the episode J.P. Calderon lectured Brian Kehoe about his bad behavior after Kehoe had been kicked out of the model house by Janice. Referring to the way he spoke to Kehoe, J.P. said "I just lost it," although if the subject hadn't been booze and blow you might compare J.P.'s demeanor to Mr. Rodgers teaching a child about sharing or respecting other people's feelings.

J.P. as teacher, father confessor, and saint-in-residence can be a nice character, as it is good to have positive gay figures, but having both him and puppy dog sweet Martin Ritchie as the models that are gay on the show doesn't leave room for having a bed-hopping man-whore model who ends up getting with every guy in the agency. That would be a nice character to watch on the show also. At least the beatified J.P left the door open a crack by telling Kehoe he wanted to be his "[f'ing] friend".

Question: does anyone else think that Janice's watching her spy tv monitors with her hair stylist Duke is just a little too much like the Witch of the East and her chief flying monkey watching Dorothy and her friends through the crystal ball? ("Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleeep.") Unsettling.

Danny NunezAt some point Janice stumbled out of her room dressed like a ballerina, lauded her previous experience with ballet, and then told her assembled and quickly horrified male models to put on tights. The guys were unhappy to put on the see-through garment plus dance belt, except of course for the ever agreeable Danny Nunez, who will do whatever the job requires. He mentioned that he is used to being naked a lot on the show. He knows he can't help being an anatomically correct Cuban Ken doll whose pants everyone wants to unsnap as soon as they take him out of the package.

Comment: The recently introduced blurring of the butt shots is treating the audience as if they were children. JDMA is an adult show for adults that want to see some glimpses of uncovered dude tang. The more gratuitious the better. We should be allowed to see an unexpurgated version somewhere, if not the tv then on the web.

After the boys were suitably attired. Janice showed them to Jonette Swider, a ballet teacher, who would be giving them instruction on the fine points of ballet, which is to say how to show off your manhood while simultaneously losing it. She had them stretching and squatting and leaping with their legs split and pointing their toes in strange positions. The scene was brief but long enough to notice that Payton Brady's backfield in motion is quite a sight and to notice with Paul Vandervort that tights come in child size.

At the end of the exercise Jonette selected J.P. as the best participant and Payton as the worst. Given their particular personalities and views of ballet, both were happy with their ranking.

Janice told Danny, Payton, and J.P. to move into the house immediately to help Danny and Payton to book jobs and for J.P. to act as a role model for the younger associates. They were all happy to get the order, but Danny and Payton quickly found out this silver lining had a dark cloud with it, namely having to be around more with nasty, ugly Gabe (Janice's make-up "artist").

Payton BradyTo have a little fun, former football players Danny and Payton tossed a few rolls of toilet paper back and forth in lieu of a real ball. Bitch queen Gabe acted as if this was any of his business and while spread out on a sofa with his wanky teeth and flabby belly exposed started criticizing the waste of the rolls and connected it to an implication that Danny's parents were unfit. Now I don't know Gabe's background, but he has always appeared to me like the worst kind of repulsive, smelly trailer trash, so maybe his family couldn't always afford toilet paper and seeing rolls wasted brought back an unpleasant memory to him. Nevertheless, he should keep his mouth shut around his superiors and not make clear what a loathsome creature he is.

Danny and Payton tried to be polite about it, but Gabe's hate filled invectives were bad enough that Payton had to eventually reply in kind . Janice overhead only Payton's comment and asked him to leave, not realizing that Gabe had been the one responsible for the turmoil. Once Janice found out that Gabe had called Payton a redneck, she gave Gabe a good slapdown, which caused Gabe to storm out of the house. Let's just hope he moves back to skankville and stays there permanently.

Danny NunezBuddies Danny and Payton moved their stuff in and went looking for sleeping quarters. Payton had said he loved the thought of being in a big house in a big bed. (Cue the Southern, laid back version of "Wouldn't it Be Loverly?") Chandler thought there was a pair of bunks in his room where Janice asked who was the top and who was the bottom, even though it is clear that they are both tops (as well as Janice who said "me too.") It was not meant to be though as they found the bunks were spoken for so they turned an alcove in the living room into their private VIP clothing-optional gentlemen's club. I want on that guest list.