Thursday, October 2, 2008

Janice Dickinson And Mating Pairs

In season four, episode six of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about prospective model couples. It was an examination of which pairs might have a future and which ones are as unlikely a match as would be Gov. Palin and Mensa.

Paul Vandervort and Traci Moslenko: Paul likes Traci a lot, more so after their close contact at the Ed Hardy shoot, and he finally told her so. Traci, on the other hand, sees Paul like a little boy (literally) with a school crush on teacher. She likes him, but she seemed to be a little creeped out about his affection, especially when he kept pecking at her cheek. Paul thinks Traci is hot, saying that when Traci gave him a lap dance it was like he was still at Hooters (because her in his lap was like being served another heaping mound of boneless wings?)

Chandler Maness and Traci Moslenko: In this episode, Chandler referred to Traci as a s!ut and a hooker. Janice saw him do this with her hidden cameras and confronted him on it. She told him he shouldn't speak that way because he could be President. In summary, Chandler and Traci's future together at best would be her giving him a Lewinsky outside the Oval Office.

Crystal Trueheart and J.P. Calderon: J.P counseled Crystal when she felt bad after being criticized by a client. Besides the fact that J.P. is gay, he is not boyfriend material. With his constant comforting and advice. he's too much like Maria von Trapp's mother superior, and who needs someone in their life who is likely to prostitute you out to a retired naval captain with seven kids?

Chandler ManessCrystal Trueheart and Chandler Maness: When given an opportunity to pick a man to practice doing some nasty dancing on, Crystal picked Chandler. She doesn't have any special attraction to him, but she wanted to send a clear signal to Sorin Mihalache, who has feelings for Crystal, that she and Sorin are never going to be a couple. You can't blame a girl for not wanting to go back with Sorin to his Hostel village in Romania.

Xian Mikol and Danny Nunez: In the same dance situation as above, Xian chose to shake her booty on Danny. Xian and Danny both have well rounded booty, but it looks good on him, not on her. Xian doesn't have feelings for Danny, but she didn't appreciate her showmance partner Chandler's close attention to Crystal's gyrations, so she decided to get back at him by picking one of his rivals in the model house. Danny clearly did not mind being used in this way.

Danny Nunez and Chandler Maness: Danny believes that Chandler is a "douchebag". Fittingly, their relationship chances are as sour as vinegar.

Chandler Maness and Sorin Mihalache: In this case opposites do not attract. Chandler is the intelligent college man and Sorin is the rube who just fell off the Transylvanian turnip truck. For Chandler, this imbalance could have been okay. Loving to show off and to push people's buttons, Chandler would relish running rational rings around Sorin, but Sorin's limitations with English give Sorin a blissfully ignorant defense against Chandler's verbal volleys. Chandler realizes his talents are wasted on Sorin and that he needs to find someone more resourceful to spar with.

Sorin Mihalache and Crystal Trueheart: Crystal wears haute couture; Sorin wears a cut-off "security" shirt. I can't think of anything else that says it more clearly.

Chandler Maness and Xian Mikol: This is the perfect match. Xian and Chandler appreciate each other's ability to be snide and cold as ice. They are the next Bill and Hillary.

Janice Dickinson and Merlin Castell: Did Fez have a fashion designing cousin? If Fez did, even he would have been to embarrassed to have talked about this one. Between Merlin and Janice, they share the same view on what is the most important need in the world: preserving size zero models. That's a plus, but the deal breaker is that Merlin likes to crack a whip, and there's only room for one dominatrix in a relationship with Janice.