Saturday, June 27, 2009

Cole Escola Almost Has A Baby

Cole EscolaOn episode two, season one of Logo's Jeffery and Cole Casserole, Cole Escola believed that he would have a baby after a night of unprotected alien sex. Jeffery Self was unsupportive of Cole's plan to carry the thing to term, thinking only of his own needs to direct a show that would be adversely affected by star Cole's leaving to gestate.


Cole and Jeffery tried to speak a welcome in unison for the show, but Cole wasn't really into at the moment. With his creative mind always at work, he suggested instead that they pretend that Jeffery was a cat and Cole a dog and that the dog doesn't like the cat. Adding an animal character to his vast repertoire, Cole barked menacingly, while Jeffery just licked himself. Cole went on to practice his British accent, following it with an impression of a waif model. Jeffery continued to lick himself (disturbingly). Cole looked at Jeffery in a mixture of concern and fear (think Shelley Duvall in The Shining.) Taking rightful control, Cole jovially gave the welcome by himself after Jeffery had wandered partially out of frame.

2. Coming This Spring...

... to the Floyd County Civic Center (a reference to Jeffery's Georgia upbringing). It was a new sassy Southern female character, played rather unconvincingly by Jeffery. Cole introduced her as being in the same vein as Tyler Perry's Madea or Vicki Lawrence as Thelma Harper, but it was more like a part-time accountant from Iowa doing drag for a Southern Decadence parade. Surprisingly, Oregonian Cole did a better job with the Southern accent that Jeffery. It's not clear why Cole didn't play the female role since that was the role that required comedic skills.

3. Prank Calling Howie Mandel

Jeffery and Cole phoned Howie Mandel. Howie picked up and said "Hello" multiple times. Cole and Jeffery laughed silently but uproariously.

4. The Baby (Part 1)

As a piano played, Cole leaned back against a table and practiced his kicks. Jeffery stopped him, complaining that Cole was not on the beat. Cole became upset and Jeffery sent him home. As Cole prepared to leave, Jeffery told him that he realized how talented Cole is. However, Cole said he wasn't sure if he still had "it". Jeffery reminded him that that was the same thing that Cole had said when Cole opened a show as Mary Applebottom, America's favorite housewife with chronic fatigue syndrome. Cole reminded Jeffery that he had thrown up that night, stopping the show. Jeffery assured Cole that it wouldn't happen again as long as Cole stayed away from shellfish prior to showtime, but Cole was unconvinced.

5. Who Do I Look Like?

Cole asked who he looked like and Jeffery accurately replied Wynona Rider. Cole agreed that that assessment made sense. Jeffery asked the same question and Cole charitably told Jeffery he looked like Pat Sajak. Jeffery knew he didn't look that good, and struggled to find a proper response.

6. The Baby (Part 1, Continued)

Cole left his home and saw a spaceship. He was taken into the ship and there saw a alien Trauglen. He spoke to the alien in its native tongue, which surprised the Trauglen. The alien asked how Cole knew the language. Cole thought back to when his impoverished mother had left him with space aliens, because she could no longer care for him herself. (Another piece of the puzzle!) To the alien, Cole noted that he had not been anally probed yet, but encouraged the alien to decide whether he wanted to have sex with Cole or keep being coy. Never wanting to miss out on a good probing, Cole seductively unzipped his jacket. Sadly, the Trauglen was seen to be just Jeffery in costume, which spoiled the inspiration for some good Cole/Trauglen slash fiction. (Cole/Jeffery stuff is out of the question. Eww.)

7. Home Videos

Jeffery videotaped Cole, who was dressed only in a towel. Jeffery asked Cole to dance while Jeffery fantasized about being "Grampa". Inexplicably but perhaps as a result of the years of abuse, Cole fell to the ground and died. An angel took Cole away, while Jeffery unfeelingly had a conversation on the phone.

8. The Baby (Part 2)

Jeffery explained to people off-camera the definition of props. Jeffery said it came from "property" which means you shouldn't touch it if it doesn't belong to you. Cole entered and asked to speak with Jeffery. Cole told him that he was pregnant from the alien encounter on the previous night. Jeffery asked if he would keep the baby and Cole said he would. Cole said accordingly he must leave the show. Not wanting to leave Jeffery in the lurch, Cole recommended that a suitable replacement for him would be Debbie Reynolds.

At home, Cole got a call form Chrissie, who invited him to a show. Cole declined, saying he couldn't go because of his Lamaze class. Cole went on to say that Jeffery wouldn't talk to him because they were not speaking after Jeffery wouldn't support Cole having the baby. Staying true to his personality, Jeffery did come over to speak to Cole, but just long enough to selfishly take the phone away to use it as a prop in a scene of his own. Cole, with his sweet disposition and generosity as an actor and mother-to-be, politely let him take it.

Cole read a book about baby facts, while Jeffery continued on with his life, working on a opening number for his show. Then Cole read up on baby names. Again Jeffery was focused on work, but this time contemplating calling Debbie Reynolds to try to replace his knocked-up friend Cole. Cole moved on to reading some gay p0rn. Jeffery made the call to Debbie but she had other commitments.

9. Oops

Jeffery was seen drinking from a beer bottle. Cole entered and asked if Jeffery had seen the bottle that he had peed in. Jeffery realized that the bottle in question was the one he had been drinking from, but not surprisingly didn't spit out the salty warm liquid in his mouth.

10. Drugs

Cole explained that he had had a problem putting things up his nose. He had once put cut-up shoelaces there. It messed up his nose, but didn't get him high. When Cole spoke of his travails, you really felt for him, considering what he went through. Jeffery mumbled something about losing five years of his life to cocaine, but it wasn't very interesting and he said it in his monotone so it's hard to know what he was talking about.

11. Cole Enacts A Scene From A Horror Movie That Doesn't Exist

In a voice over, Cole realistically acted out a dramatic scene from a horror movie. Suspenseful and scary, Cole showed he is the master of all genres.

12. What Did You Do Last Night?

No matter how you feel about Jeffery, you really have to feel sorry for the pathetic view he presented of the life he lives and how it differs from what actually occurred. Speaking to Cole, Jeffery said that the night before he had went on a date to an Italian Restaurant. They had red wine and went to the ballet. Afterward, they went back to Jeffery's place and sat in bed and talked and laughed and stared into each others eyes. In reality, the camera showed that Jeffery had eaten a can of food heated in the microwave. He sat on the toilet drinking heavily. In bed, he just stayed up eating crackers and cheese in a can. Not unlike life in Georgia, but sad nonetheless.

In contrast, Cole told of how he had written a four act Greek play, getting inspiration from the mystery of the cowboy boot displayed within his living room. Amazing.

13. The Baby (Part 3)


14. Cole's House

Jeffery visited Cole. A very pregnant Cole came to the door and rubbed his belly, saying it was a girl. He didn't know for sure what the gender was, but if it were a boy he would just cut its penis off. Jeffery offered to help raise the baby, saying he realized that the important things in life were rock hard abs and family. Not having the former, Jeffery decided to focus on the latter. Cole questioned his readiness to take care of a baby, reminding him of his previous attempt when he confused a baby with a package of beef. Jeffery insisted he was sober now.

Cole went into labor and anally gave birth to an undigested sandwich. Seeing the result, Cole temporarily lost his mind and told Jeffery to get a plate before the bread went stale. Together they ate Cole's sandwich offspring. Looking on the bright side, Cole said that without the baby or dependent sandwich he could now do the show.

15. Opening Night Of The Show

The show that Jeffery had been working on, "Hey Mr., I'm Over Here", was a success and Cole's sandwich-producing, hysterical pregnancy was all but forgotten.