Saturday, June 27, 2009

Cole Escola Almost Has A Baby

Cole EscolaOn episode two, season one of Logo's Jeffery and Cole Casserole, Cole Escola believed that he would have a baby after a night of unprotected alien sex. Jeffery Self was unsupportive of Cole's plan to carry the thing to term, thinking only of his own needs to direct a show that would be adversely affected by star Cole's leaving to gestate.


Cole and Jeffery tried to speak a welcome in unison for the show, but Cole wasn't really into at the moment. With his creative mind always at work, he suggested instead that they pretend that Jeffery was a cat and Cole a dog and that the dog doesn't like the cat. Adding an animal character to his vast repertoire, Cole barked menacingly, while Jeffery just licked himself. Cole went on to practice his British accent, following it with an impression of a waif model. Jeffery continued to lick himself (disturbingly). Cole looked at Jeffery in a mixture of concern and fear (think Shelley Duvall in The Shining.) Taking rightful control, Cole jovially gave the welcome by himself after Jeffery had wandered partially out of frame.

2. Coming This Spring...

... to the Floyd County Civic Center (a reference to Jeffery's Georgia upbringing). It was a new sassy Southern female character, played rather unconvincingly by Jeffery. Cole introduced her as being in the same vein as Tyler Perry's Madea or Vicki Lawrence as Thelma Harper, but it was more like a part-time accountant from Iowa doing drag for a Southern Decadence parade. Surprisingly, Oregonian Cole did a better job with the Southern accent that Jeffery. It's not clear why Cole didn't play the female role since that was the role that required comedic skills.

3. Prank Calling Howie Mandel

Jeffery and Cole phoned Howie Mandel. Howie picked up and said "Hello" multiple times. Cole and Jeffery laughed silently but uproariously.

4. The Baby (Part 1)

As a piano played, Cole leaned back against a table and practiced his kicks. Jeffery stopped him, complaining that Cole was not on the beat. Cole became upset and Jeffery sent him home. As Cole prepared to leave, Jeffery told him that he realized how talented Cole is. However, Cole said he wasn't sure if he still had "it". Jeffery reminded him that that was the same thing that Cole had said when Cole opened a show as Mary Applebottom, America's favorite housewife with chronic fatigue syndrome. Cole reminded Jeffery that he had thrown up that night, stopping the show. Jeffery assured Cole that it wouldn't happen again as long as Cole stayed away from shellfish prior to showtime, but Cole was unconvinced.

5. Who Do I Look Like?

Cole asked who he looked like and Jeffery accurately replied Wynona Rider. Cole agreed that that assessment made sense. Jeffery asked the same question and Cole charitably told Jeffery he looked like Pat Sajak. Jeffery knew he didn't look that good, and struggled to find a proper response.

6. The Baby (Part 1, Continued)

Cole left his home and saw a spaceship. He was taken into the ship and there saw a alien Trauglen. He spoke to the alien in its native tongue, which surprised the Trauglen. The alien asked how Cole knew the language. Cole thought back to when his impoverished mother had left him with space aliens, because she could no longer care for him herself. (Another piece of the puzzle!) To the alien, Cole noted that he had not been anally probed yet, but encouraged the alien to decide whether he wanted to have sex with Cole or keep being coy. Never wanting to miss out on a good probing, Cole seductively unzipped his jacket. Sadly, the Trauglen was seen to be just Jeffery in costume, which spoiled the inspiration for some good Cole/Trauglen slash fiction. (Cole/Jeffery stuff is out of the question. Eww.)

7. Home Videos

Jeffery videotaped Cole, who was dressed only in a towel. Jeffery asked Cole to dance while Jeffery fantasized about being "Grampa". Inexplicably but perhaps as a result of the years of abuse, Cole fell to the ground and died. An angel took Cole away, while Jeffery unfeelingly had a conversation on the phone.

8. The Baby (Part 2)

Jeffery explained to people off-camera the definition of props. Jeffery said it came from "property" which means you shouldn't touch it if it doesn't belong to you. Cole entered and asked to speak with Jeffery. Cole told him that he was pregnant from the alien encounter on the previous night. Jeffery asked if he would keep the baby and Cole said he would. Cole said accordingly he must leave the show. Not wanting to leave Jeffery in the lurch, Cole recommended that a suitable replacement for him would be Debbie Reynolds.

At home, Cole got a call form Chrissie, who invited him to a show. Cole declined, saying he couldn't go because of his Lamaze class. Cole went on to say that Jeffery wouldn't talk to him because they were not speaking after Jeffery wouldn't support Cole having the baby. Staying true to his personality, Jeffery did come over to speak to Cole, but just long enough to selfishly take the phone away to use it as a prop in a scene of his own. Cole, with his sweet disposition and generosity as an actor and mother-to-be, politely let him take it.

Cole read a book about baby facts, while Jeffery continued on with his life, working on a opening number for his show. Then Cole read up on baby names. Again Jeffery was focused on work, but this time contemplating calling Debbie Reynolds to try to replace his knocked-up friend Cole. Cole moved on to reading some gay p0rn. Jeffery made the call to Debbie but she had other commitments.

9. Oops

Jeffery was seen drinking from a beer bottle. Cole entered and asked if Jeffery had seen the bottle that he had peed in. Jeffery realized that the bottle in question was the one he had been drinking from, but not surprisingly didn't spit out the salty warm liquid in his mouth.

10. Drugs

Cole explained that he had had a problem putting things up his nose. He had once put cut-up shoelaces there. It messed up his nose, but didn't get him high. When Cole spoke of his travails, you really felt for him, considering what he went through. Jeffery mumbled something about losing five years of his life to cocaine, but it wasn't very interesting and he said it in his monotone so it's hard to know what he was talking about.

11. Cole Enacts A Scene From A Horror Movie That Doesn't Exist

In a voice over, Cole realistically acted out a dramatic scene from a horror movie. Suspenseful and scary, Cole showed he is the master of all genres.

12. What Did You Do Last Night?

No matter how you feel about Jeffery, you really have to feel sorry for the pathetic view he presented of the life he lives and how it differs from what actually occurred. Speaking to Cole, Jeffery said that the night before he had went on a date to an Italian Restaurant. They had red wine and went to the ballet. Afterward, they went back to Jeffery's place and sat in bed and talked and laughed and stared into each others eyes. In reality, the camera showed that Jeffery had eaten a can of food heated in the microwave. He sat on the toilet drinking heavily. In bed, he just stayed up eating crackers and cheese in a can. Not unlike life in Georgia, but sad nonetheless.

In contrast, Cole told of how he had written a four act Greek play, getting inspiration from the mystery of the cowboy boot displayed within his living room. Amazing.

13. The Baby (Part 3)


14. Cole's House

Jeffery visited Cole. A very pregnant Cole came to the door and rubbed his belly, saying it was a girl. He didn't know for sure what the gender was, but if it were a boy he would just cut its penis off. Jeffery offered to help raise the baby, saying he realized that the important things in life were rock hard abs and family. Not having the former, Jeffery decided to focus on the latter. Cole questioned his readiness to take care of a baby, reminding him of his previous attempt when he confused a baby with a package of beef. Jeffery insisted he was sober now.

Cole went into labor and anally gave birth to an undigested sandwich. Seeing the result, Cole temporarily lost his mind and told Jeffery to get a plate before the bread went stale. Together they ate Cole's sandwich offspring. Looking on the bright side, Cole said that without the baby or dependent sandwich he could now do the show.

15. Opening Night Of The Show

The show that Jeffery had been working on, "Hey Mr., I'm Over Here", was a success and Cole's sandwich-producing, hysterical pregnancy was all but forgotten.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Cole Escola At The Prom

Cole EscolaIn season one, episode one of Logo's Jeffery and Cole Casserole, Cole Escola looked for a date to the prom, and with Jeffery Self's help almost had his magical moment. In addition there were a few random skits showcasing Cole's acting and comedy forte.

1. Introduction

The show begins with Jeffery looking into his webcam and vapidly welcoming viewers, in a way like a simpleton child standing at the entrance of the trailer park welcoming home his neighbors. Jeffery introduced the name of the show incorrectly, but Cole, unperturbed and realizing that no matter what he may ever say on the series from then on he would necessarily be the smart one, confidently corrected him.

Hoping to draw some interest from first-time viewers, Cole excitedly announced that No Doubt would be on the show. Then more excitedly and somewhat intriguingly, announced/screamed that they would be set on FIRE! Jeffery didn't get it and not willing to show he didn't know what was going on, popped Cole and the viewers' balloon with his objection to the likely audience favorite of No Doubt immolation.

Cole tried to get the show back on track by gently leading Jeffery with the question of whether they should show a video first. Jeffery was unsure, blaming the amount of crystal meth he claimed to have done. Co-dependent Cole bravely continued through his wish list of guests he wanted to have in the epsiode, like Jennifer Aniston (doing her disappearing hula-hoop act), and Jim Varney, from the Ernest movies. The latter was more a laugh at Jeffery's expense, poking fun at Jeffery's Southern rural roots. Jeffery didn't get it, first focusing on the security of knowing his meth dealer's phone number was stored in his blackberry and like himself was always available, and second, fondly reminiscing about and relating to Varney's character in The Beverly Hillbillies.

Fed up with Jeffery's lack of enthusiasm, even after he suggested the innovative notion of having Ellen DeGeneres throw marbles at his head, Cole exasperatingly asked Jeffery to think of something interesting to hook the audience. Jeffery tried his best not to be terminally boring, but he droned on an one while Cole fell asleep. Fortunately, Cole salvaged the intro with his bright smile and made sure the rest of the episode had some funny moments.

2. Wake Up Wisconsin

The first skit was a parody of a local morning talk show. Jeffery did an impression of an impression of an impression of an impression of a male host (and yes it was that bad). Cole played the female host role, and with his visual gag of clothespins for earrings, was the centerpiece of the piece. Jeffery claimed stereotypically that a Hispanic man sexually assaulted him, but with that kind of setup there really wasn't an opportunity for Cole to do a humorous retort.

3. High School

Jeffery and Cole sat on the stairs at school and Jeffery asked Cole if he would be attending the prom. Cole reminded Jeffery that he have to be because of the lawsuit. Cole ate a cracker and noted that it tasted like an elbow. The assessment made Jeffery want to eat the elbow flavored cracker that had been in Cole's mouth. Jeffery grabbed and ate the cracker, and after agreeing it tasted like elbow, wanted another.

4. Jeffery's House

Cole joins Jeffery in a sleepover at Jeffery's house. They lied in bed and played the child's game of "marry, sleep with, or kill". Jeffery started with the list of Shelley Long, Shelley Duvall, or Shelley Winters. Cole complained that he hated when Jeffery played the Shelleys. Jeffery asked sinisterly if Cole would prefer the Kathys. Cole remembered when Jeffery had held him at knifepoint, asking who between Kathy Bates and Kathy Najimy Cole would consent to kill. Traumatized, Cole agreed to do the Shelleys.

The game was interrupted by Cole's prom date ringing the doorbell. Cole went to the rooftop to speak with the young man. The date sadly told Cole that due to a urinary tract infection and the resulting peeling of genital flesh, he would be unable to take Cole to the prom. Devastated the news of how it would affect his prom plans, Cole understandably told the date that if he should survive, Cole never wanted to speak with him again. Jeffery consoled Cole by promising to find Cole a replacement date.

5. Enter The Old Show Queen

Cole showed his comedic genius doing a Leslie Jordan like character. Jealous, Jeffery bitched that Cole's portrayal was a stereotype and his performance was the reason gay people could not adopt or get married. Cole kept riding his prancing pony and finished his bit, to the audience's delight. Jeffery had a Salieri-like epiphany of his relative talent and stared silently into the camera.

6. High School (part 2)

Filler, involving poison darts. Think interlude, but rarified by Cole's awe-inspiring emotional performance.

7. Jazz

A tribute to 20's jazz, performed on the rooftop. Perhaps entertaining to some, but much too Un Chien Andalou for my tastes.

8. Cole! Get Outta There

Cole fits himself into a number of tight spaces, including a carry-on bag. Travel size gays are the best.

9. Untitled

Jeffery called Cole and asked him to meet up at the designated spot (The Wall of Respected British People). Jeffery tried to act clandestine, but Cole wasn't having it. He was his usual buoyant self. After seeing Jeffery's sunglasses, Cole ran off and got himself a pair (and a cap and an apple and a gun) while Jeffery impatiently waited at the wall. Cole accidentally killed a woman with the gun and Jeffery freaked out and wanted to leave. Cole gave a riveting, emotionally charged reaction to the death of the stranger, insisting that regardless of the turn of events, they should stay and complete their plan.They didn't complete the plan.

10. Snack Break

Jeffery walked his gangly body into the room while wearing only underwear. The appetite in any viewer for a snack quickly passed.

11. Jeffery & Cole's Football Game Half-Tie Show

In their underwear, Cole sensuously danced with arousing artistry while Jeffery sadly managed barely to shake himself. Cheers and jeers, respectively.

12. Cole's house

Jeffery went to Cole's house to let him know that Jeffery had dropped his prom date so he could take Cole instead. Cole gleefully exclaimed that it would be "just us girls". Jeffery said he hated when gay men talk like that. Cole gave a prayer to Liza and Lorna for Jeffery's soul and got ready to go.

13. At The Prom

Jeffery and Cole were unable to enter the prom due to them not being on the guest list and not being students at the school. Cole's photo of Bonnie Hunt was found not to be an acceptable form of identification.

14. End

Jeffery wanted to do a Carol Burnett scrub woman ending, but Cole sweetly ignored him. Cole sang a few notes showing his vocal talent, and Jeffery warbled a few unpleasant sounds.

More to come.